Greatest American Hero...(day 38)

While you may find it hard to believe, I recently discovered that I'm a superhero.  This realization came quietly and didn't have all the fanfare of say Superman's or Spiderman's discoveries of their respective abilities.  I was just going about my daily grind, minding my own business when I realized that I have some powers that maybe not everyone else has.  I haven't talked about it much, but I'm ready to go public now. I don't want to brag, I just want to reach out and implore the rest of you to embrace your own special powers and consider that you too might just be a superzero superhero like me.

My abilities include but are not limited to the following, as my discoveries have only just begun:

I can burn through nearly an entire paycheck in one single day, faster than you can say bounced check.
I can convince small children that soy nuggets are actually chicken nuggets.
I can fit two loads of laundry into one wash cycle and make my washing machine do a funny dance around the room.
I can use artful layering of clothing to appear taller/slimmer than I actually am.
I can move whole pieces of furniture across a room to disguise another nail polish stain on the carpet.
I can become invisible to my children.
I can withstand countless hours of preschool programming with minimal eye twitch.
I can make time virtually stop when I'm on an errand by myself.
I can catch a toddler.
I can ride a bike with no handlebars.

Flyday stats:
Food: Iced coffee, bagel with cream cheese, 1/2 of disgusting garden burger from Burger King (I don't know why I thought this was a good idea), one fruit snack wrestled away from my lovely toddler, a few Applejacks force fed to me by same toddler
Movement: Scrubbing of floors on hands and knees, washing of upstairs of house, folding of clothes, chasing around toddler in yard, perusing Target for sundries with inordinate amount of time spent in facial lotion aisle

All the small things...(day 37)

It may or may not be apparent to you my darling readers, but food is not a high priority to me.  The only time this hasn't been true is the three times I was pregnant.  During those 27 months, I was all about food and really nothing else.

 

Controlling things, however, is a priority to me; ergo the 21 day challenge and meat free existence of the last month or so.  That being said, I had an enlightening conversation with my husband today over lunch.  As I heated up our zucchini souffles in the microwave, we talked about food being thought of as just fuel instead of a source of recreation.  He kindly pointed out that what I considered to be a meal, might better be categorized as a snack.

My souffle was done first and it smelled really, really good.  I should note that my husband has not subjected himself to any type of food abstinence, but he is a good sport and will give my vegetarian offerings a good ole college try.  Anyway, I got to eating the cylindrical excuse for food sitting in front of me, and let me just say it was surprising at the very least.  And by surprising, I mean utterly inedible.  It was crispy on the outside and like warm molten, corn flavored lava mush on the inside.  You ever have a souffle?  No?  Me neither, so I can't rightly say what possessed me to purchase these to begin with.  You ever eat bread pudding?  Yeah, you know with the cinnamon and sugar and raisins and sometimes peaches?  Yeah, me too.  It was kind of like that but without the cinnamon, sugar, raisins or any good taste. But you know, exactly like that.  It was filthy and no amount of salt, or hot sauce could make it right.  I gave eating this abomination a valiant try, my husband?  Not so much.  We then each had two bites of hummus and I told him there was some cheese in the fridge.  He claimed a bag of cheese does not a meal make and if I was thinking of food as fuel, I was just about to run out of gas.  Then he left me to my veggie pudding and no doubt dreamed of the woman he could have married.  You know, the one who at the very least provided some cold cuts for lunch.

Thursday stats:
Food: Apple, veggie straws, few courageous bites of veggie souffle, hummus, pizza, salad
Movement:  Swimming with the lovlies, chasing toddler around friends house, laundering

Frogs, and snails, and puppy dog tails...(day 36)

10 reasons I need my toddler to go to bed before the sun sets:

1. He wakes up at walk of shame time the break of dawn ~ I know what you're thinking, well just put him to bed a little later and he'll sleep a little later ~ tried that, but thanks Captain Obvious.
2. He's aerobic ~ There's NEVER ever any sitting still, rather there is running, climbing, scaling, running, jumping, bouncing, running all interspersed with maniacal laughter
3. He won't watch man-made babysitter T.V. ever ~ Unless it's Elmo (and even then for only 10 minutes) and one sleep deprived person can only handle so much Elmo ~ aka Melmo
4. He's discovered the power of the word NO ~ used to be he would just shake his head politely when he didn't want something, now he shouts NOOOOOOOOO
5. He is often tie-dyed ~ he has found and hidden all the permanent markers in the house.  He only takes them out whenever someone isn't looking, or is in the bathroom and then colors his body from head to toe. He then runs and hides them again
6. He's a little O.C.D. ~ he likes things to be in their place, mostly small things like keys, cell phones, credit cards, etc.  He is the only one who knows what their places are.
7. He says "Shut-up Woo Woo" everytime a dog barks ~ nearly ALL of our neighbors have dogs.
8., 9., & 10. He did all of the following today:

Hump Day Stats:
Food: Why is it that asking for non-fat milk in your coffee drink doesn't automatically keep whipped cream from getting added?  Friggin' McCafe idiots. Anyway: iced-latte, diet coke, veggie straws, apple, baked potato, asparagus, piece of cheese, 4 m&ms
Movement: Chasing toddler around park, taking out fuckton  a lot of trash, cleaning litter box

I don't know nothing bout birthin' no babies...(days 34 & 35)

I began my formal education at the age of four and did not stop until I was thirty two.  Granted there was some time in between class sessions and what not, but basically I went to school for twenty eight years.  I have two bachelor degrees and a master's degree.  That's a whole lotta schooling, and yet I am reduced to idiocy on a daily basis due to the questions my children hurl at me from the time I wake up until the time I lay my large head and severely diminished ego down in my bed. Just like Prissy's character in Gone With The Wind, I must break down and confess continously throughout a day how very little I know. Unlike Prissy, birthin' babies is the least of the things I know so very little about.

"I don't know anything about eating fish eggs."  This was the recent answer to a question that came out of left field from my oldest lovely.  When he was smaller, I used to try and answer the f**kton of all the questions he could think up in his brilliant little mind.  I thought I was fostering a love of knowledge and broadening his horizons.  In actuality, I was encouraging him to keep the questions coming eventually wearing me down with the endless haranguing.  By the time he was five, I had to admit there was some shit I just didn't know.  I thought this would slow him down a bit, but it didn't.  Instead it has led his sister to also believe that I am somehow a source of useless information.  At this point I realize that I am overly educated walking buffoon and I have begun to believe he just asks me stuff to make sure that he's smarter than me.

Spring Break Stats:
Food: Greek pasta salad, hummus, cheese, crackers, dates, strawberries, olives, eggs, toast, granola bar, garden burger, cucumbers, dried pineapple
Movement: Unmaking and remaking all the beds, laundering, scrubbing bathroom walls, cleaning girl lovelies room (3 hour ordeal), chasing toddler around yard, walking to and from tae kwan do school

I'm in charge, of my days, of my nights...(day 33)

I

I love when I have a realization that works in my favor.  Today was a fabulous Sunday, one in which the entire family packed up our circus and hopped into the clown car for a day at the park.  Once there we met some dear friends and had ourselves a day of not so much sun but lots of fun. It was a potluck picnic and one of my lovely friends brought something that I will forevermore call strawberry delights.  I don't know what they are really called, and I don't really care.  They include sugar cookies, strawberries, cream cheese and LOTS of sugar.  I was hesitant to eat one, because for reasons I cannot quite explain, I've mostly stayed on my 21 day challenge, which was actually over two and a half weeks ago.  I think the main reason I've continued with the challenge is because I like having control over something in my current world.  Anyway, I realized that there was no one other than myself keeping me from having strawberry delights ~ that's right, I'm in charge of this challenge and the length, and the breaks and all that jazz.  It's my own self-imposed restriction, that remarkably I can lift and reapply willy-nilly.  So that's what I'm gonna do ~ go with the flow.  

Sundae stats:

Food: Greek pasta salad, hummus, veggies, fruit, salsa and blue corn tortilla chips, naan, chickpeas, strawberry delights up the wazoo

Movement: Laundering, running around park having a lovely time with all my lovelies

Whatchu talking about Willis?... (day 32)

I often find myself bewildered by the things that come out of my mouth when talking to my children.  Many times I speak sentences that don't even make sense.  Today, I am sorry to say that I paid special  attention to the things that my children were saying when playing with one another.  Below is a small sampling of their bon mots, and it is no wonder that I babble incoherently.

My life is like a fart.

If I wore marshmallows on my feet, no one would ever hear me coming.

Does he know that's the poop yard?

My life is like a butt

If you didn't decide to wash your hair with sand, you wouldn't need a bath

If you eat soap, you would be hiccing up and cough a bubble

I got grass stains on my knees

I seen this one before, it's when I started smacking my butt for like a hour

Why do we have to brush our hair?  It's nighttime & no one is coming in here inspecting us, right?

He kissed a rattlesnake, that's disgusting.

That's your thumb toe.

Shut up woo-woo.

Faturday stats:
Food: 1/2 bean and cheese burrito, one slice of cold pizza, hummus, goat cheese, naan, blackberries, dried pineapple, two glasses of pinot noir
Movement: What seemed like endless hunting of dog poop in backyard, sweeping back patio, emergency trip to Old Navy to replace lost sunglasses, meandering around supermarket

Dry as a friggin' bone ~ wait, who's bone...(day 31)

 In order to celebrate not only the arrival of the long-awaited weekend, but the beginning of my spring break, I will be partaking in some tomfoolery and shenanigans with some good friends of mine this evening.  It is due to this merrymaking adventure that my blog arrives early Friday afternoon instead of after I've already fallen asleep in the blue chair in my robe.

So, it's DRY ~ as in I live in a semi-arid climate and it hasn't rained/snowed in a while dry (get your filthy mind out of the gutter).  I wanted to share with you a small collection of things that are potentially drier than the inside of my nasal passages and Justin's Bieber's vajayjay.

Advice: Lotion & White Socks Before Bedtime

Dry Socket: While not actually dry, it involves gross picture of inside of your mouth

No drinks up in there

Wildfires

Dirt sans Water

I have to assume that not only is hell hot, but it's a dry heat

Santorum's Right Hand as evidenced in the following article

http://www.freewoodpost.com/2012/03/19/ive-learned-from-my-past-addiction-to-porn-admits-santorum/

Keep it wet people, keep it wet.

Fryday Stats:
Food: LARGE iced-coffee, LARGE iced-tea,  nachos ~ all kinds of filthiness here, tortilla chips and fake cheese, clear liquids with floating limes
Movement: Mad testing of absentee children, strolling around in sunshine, walking around with toddler, absentmindedly trolling the interwebs

Melmo...(day 30)

Much to my toddler's delight, the lovelies found the above this week.  For reasons I cannot fathom, Elmo is like baby crack.  I've had about eight years to contemplate Elmo, and I'm still at a complete loss ~ although he is preferable to the obnoxious Max, Ruby and Calliou.  Thanks to the 'discovery' of this video, my youngest lovely has been shaking the Ipad at me all week and shouting MELMO.  There was no hope for my week, when this song became the single track playing on a loop in my head.  I'm sick with this.

Melmo stats:
Food: Caramel infused iced-coffee (speaking of crack), hummus, rice crackers, friendship bread, grapes, sweet peppers, dubliner cheese, pasta fagioli, american cheese
Movement: Eye straining to fill out testing paperwork, walking about in sunshine during lunch recess, binge cleaning of house to work out angst regarding employment.

Bang Piece... (day 29)

While the bright morning sunshine warms the cockles (god, I love that word!) of my heart, it is mocking me in the rearview mirror on my drive to work.  Like a good car accident or a serious case of plumber crack, I simply cannot look away from my face in the natural light.  I'm like a tweezer wielding Narcissus, except instead of being enamored, I'm horrified by what I see. Stray hairs, uneven tone and the start of some lines that appear to be making themselves comfortable.  In an effort to be proactive, I'm considering cutting bangs to cover up the top half of my face and keep me out of the Botox chair for the time being.  I read an article recently about how Katie Holmes used fake bangs for a night onthe red carpet.  Could magic bangs be my saving grace?  

If not, maybe I'll give this a try:

Hump day stats:
Food: Honey flax granola bar, dried fruit, spinach/walnut/goat cheese salad, mini sweet peppers, leftover pasta
Movement: I believe that I walked at least six miles today while strolling around school ~ must remember to wear pedometer, eyebrow tweezing, walking around my son's school for conferences, dish washing, toddler bathing

Here comes the sun...(day 28)

Things I'm going to try and not perpetrate now that Spring has finally arrived:

⬆Teacher Arm⬆

⬆ Funk Feet ⬆

⬆ Muffin Top ⬆

We're all reasonable people (aren't we?); let's work together to get less muffin top, arm flap, and funk feet out in the world. While I recognize that teacher flap/bat wing arms are harder to combat because sometimes you just NEED to wear a tank top, might I suggest we learn the beauty pageant wave, if only to save ourselves from ridicule?  There are enough problems in the world what with Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney on the loose.  We may not be able to keep people from sticking probes into our vajayjays, or save porn and gay marriage,  but surely we can wear clothes that fit us and recognize that if our nails go over our shoes, they need a trim. It's up to us people.

Sprung stats:
Food:  Trail mix, vegetable barley soup, Dubliner cheese, garlic bread and leftover pasta, granola bar
Movement: Mad dashing around school building, keeping eyelids propped open while watching children complete state tests, wrestling and tickling of robust toddler, bathing of wiggle worm toddler, laundering

Celebrate good times...(day 27)

Instead of being completely bent out of shape that it was Monday, and that I spent the day testing children in small groups, and that I have yet to hear anything on the job search front, I decided to go another way today.

 
Things I'm celebrating today:
My girl lovely calling 'Speedy Gonzalez', Speedy the Mouse.
Avoiding useless meetings.
Making important decisions with my husband that we both feel good about.
Having TWO large iced-teas.
Washing all the bath mats.
Telling my oldest lovely to do his homework and having him do it without complaint.
Remembering to DVR 'How I Met Your Mother'
Cooking a meal for my children that they ALL ATE
The baby going to sleep without fuss.

Okay, so maybe not so much, but not too shabby for a Monday after all.

Rainy days and Mondays stats:
Food: Dried fruit, cashews, cheese, portabello mushroom pasta, sweet peppers, broccoli, avocado, piece of italian bread, granola bar
Movement: Walking around school building, hefting around moany toddler, wrestling toddler into p.j.'s a tad too small, cooking well received dinner for my lovelies

Chevrolegs... (day 26)

⬆ Nicer than my ride ⬆

Just this morning after throwing twenty dollars in the gas tank of my hooptie, p.o.s. saturn, lovely payment-free ride, I realized that gas prices had risen yet again.  I'm sure this occurred well before I noticed, as do most things.  This happens a lot to someone (me) who walks around with their head up their ass most of the time.  Initially this irritated me as it meant I was going to have to visit the gas station sooner than the end of the week to get gas in the eight gallon tank my car currently employs.  Next,  I went right next to the gas station and got in line at the McDonald's drive through for my daily fix of caramel flavored iced-crack iced-coffee.  The medium size runs me $3.11 per day.  For 21 ounces of pure caffeinated joy. 

I never get the whipped cream (unless it's been a rough morning and I deserve to pamper myself)

So everyday I'm forking over more than $3.00 for 21 ounces of crack coffee.  It got me thinking (dangerous in and of itself) about the cost of things I'm purchasing regularly.  So let me break it down: gas is running approximately three and a half dollars a gallon.  If I were to purchase my McCrack by the gallon (do they have that at Costco?) it would cost me just a little bit less than the amount of money I pay for gas at any given time ~ I don't know why I can't make myself put in more than $20 at a time, I just can't.  Anyway, can I honestly complain about the cost of gas when I'm willing to pay the same amount for six times less the amount of liquid?  Or what about the shampoo I'm using?  I pay roughly $7 per bottle for about 12 ounces of shampoo.  If I was buying that by the gallon it would cost me approximately $74, which would be about four trips to the gas station.  I refuse to do the math on the lotions and unguents I'm using on my face (3 oz. at a time).  


My solution ~ drink more of highly addictive liquid crack & get a bus pass.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.  ~Steven Wright

Funday stats:
Food: American cheese, handful of popcorn, iced-coffee, italian bread, pasta w/ red sauce
Movement: Laundering, food shopping, wrestling toddler, cleaning kitchen and bathrooms, painting fingernails (yes, I recognize that I'm obsessed with this activity of late)

Tastes just like chicken...(day25)

Things my daughter thinks are chicken:
Corned beef
Turkey
Roast beef
Ham ~ both fresh & pink
Chicken
Ground beef
Any white fish

Things my daughter knows are not chicken:
Hot dogs
Bacon

What the above lists make me come to terms with: having children is equivalent to being a pathological liar.  I'm okay with that.

 St. Pat's Stats:
Food: Leftover szechuan tofu with vegetables, pretzels, american cheese, boiled potatoes, cabbage, irish soda bread, crust of blueberry pie (filling was WAY too sweet), many vodka and club sodas with lime ~ lime addition purpose is two-fold: combats scurvy (which incidentally is my favorite disease), lets you pretend you're having 'green' drinks on St. Pat's
Movement: Serious stretching, whole body cheering on of son at basketball game, painting fingernails green, sleeping in blue chair while toddler naps, fielding phone calls from ARC, Disabled American Vets, and political pollsters

Day late and a dollar short (days 23 & 24)

 

I'm not sure if anyone else gives a shit notices, but I am running to keep up to date on here this week.  I've been feeling pms-y, stabby, overwhelmed this week and have literally been falling asleep in my beloved blue chair (ugly though it may be) each night as soon as the sun sets.

I've had a few days of not getting a chance to eat before late afternoon and the cumulative effect of this was that dinner time tonight found me absolutely HANGRY ~ defined by my dear cousin Lauren as a state of anger caused by lack of food; hunger causing a negative change in emotional state.  Instead of continuing to run a day late and feeling pissed at myself for not getting one f-ing thing done, soul-crushing guilt bad about not keeping up, I decided to combine yesterday and today into one post and move forward feeling glad that shit is over free as a bird.  I realized that I could do just that because I am in charge here, and I can rationalize nearly anything.

Supersize stats:
Food: Beans and chili (meatless) garden burger, honey-flax granola bar, scrambled eggs, fruit salad, bite of monkey bread, bite of 1890 cake (you'll remember my challenge ended two days ago, so I really cut loose today), szechuan tofu with vegetables, crab cheese wonton, CAFFEINATED beverages
Movement: Repetitive motions that mimic business, brisk walking around school, walking around and soaking up vitamin-d at lunch recess, wrestling toddler for laughs, sweeping up remnants of end table that toddler broke attempting to use curtains as rope swing

Peanutbutter Jelly Time (day 22)

One of my most loathsome daily tasks is making lunch for my children.  Actually, on a daily basis, I only make lunch for my oldest child as both of the little lovelies are home with their dad for lunchtime except for Fridays.  And I really loathe Friday's lunch needs.   When my oldest started school (5 f-ing years ago), I was so excited to get to make him lunch.  I took the task seriously and felt it was a privilege and a way to show my son how I loved him throughout our day apart.  What a wanker.   Now, every morning I stand in front of the fridge like a stoned teenager wondering what there is that I can throw together to feed this kid mid-day.  When I find nothing there, I go to the freezer, and then the closet quietly mumbling to myself.

 I know what you're thinking: how hard could it be to make lunch for one skinny, unassuming eight year old?  Well to anyone with that question, I implore you to shove it up your ass.  As it turns out, even the most unassuming child grows bored, sometimes from one day to the next, with their very favorite things.  What was deemed the best lunch ever yesterday, is considered poisonous today.  Currently included in the repertoire of acceptable lunches are: peanut butter and jelly sandwich, hard boiled eggs, hot 'n spicy cheez-its, and buffalo flavored soy chicken nuggets.  No wonder the kid grows weary.  Not to be found in his lunch of late are any of the following:

I'm thinking these parents have A LOT of time on their hands, and should be smacked upside the head for setting the bar too high.  If I've learned nothing else, set low expectations, so some day soon your child won't balk at eating this:

Low Achiever Stats:
Food: Tomatoes, string cheese, baked potato, honey-flax granola bar, bean salad
Movement: Running wildly about large school building, lunch-recess duty,

My grandma, what big panties you have...(day 21)

It's hard for me to admit, but I must confess that I'm having a serious underwear problem of late.  This past Christmas, my dear mother was kind enough to buy me some underwear; actually she buys me new underwear every Christmas, as if I was a child and not a grown woman in her late thirties.  It is not something I mind, in fact I look forward to my new underwear each year.  If she didn't buy me new undies each year, my designated pantie draw would be filled with maternity underwear and twenty year old panties with bad elastic ~ actually they're in there anyway.  The problem is that this past year, the new undies were too big.  They're all boy shorts and very cute, but about two sizes too large.  Instead of trading them in, I figured a run through the dryer would take care of my large pantie issue.  No dice.  So I decided to just wear them figuring that large underwear would both boost my ego and keep me warm.  The thing is due to largess,  they are either creeping up or down all damn day.  Wayward underwear are proving a major distraction throughout my day, and I may have to reconsider getting a smaller size.

The past few weeks have been so busy, what with bra wearing and underwear creeping, that I barely noticed that I'm half way through my forty days.  My twenty-one day challenge ends officially tomorrow, but I think I'm going to keep going.  I want to make up for my Kashi bar eating, I feel good, and I am hardly missing the items on the list.  I am going to give myself a break on Saturday for St. Pat's, however.  While I find corned beef to be loathsome, I really rather enjoy a loaf of Irish soda bread.

Granny day stats:
Food: Hard boiled egg white, hummus, crackers, carrots, Dubliner cheese, carrots, scrambled egg sandwich with cheese and tomato.
Movement: Inconspicuously removing underpants from around my knees while wearing jeans, running around large school building, chasing newly bathed toddler around and wrestling him to the ground to apply lotions and diaper

Let's do the time warp again...(day 20)

 

The day started off splendidly: sunshine streaming through the window, toddler still sleeping soundly, feeling well rested, birds chirping; then I realized that it was an hour and a half past the time I was supposed to get up.  I'd like to blame it on Daylight Savings spring forward bullsh@*, but as it turns out, it was all on me.  Prior to going to bed, I checked all clocks and made sure they were set properly, except for the kitchen clock that hasn't been changed for the past few years ~ hey, it's correct for half the year.  Anyway, I also made sure to set my alarm, I just forgot to turn it on. Needless to say, we all were late for school, but managed to have a nice morning nonetheless and the day only went up from there.

The sun shone warmly all day, I received another lovely recommendation letter from a colleague, I got a new bathing suit (an activity which could potentially send me into a tailspin), bought snacks for lovely girl's pre-k class, and successfully got the lovelies fed; all this before the sun went down!  If you're wondering if I fed the kids frozen dinners with pictures of a dinosaur on them, the answer is a resounding yes ~ it's foooood!

Mundy stats:
Food: Three hard-boiled egg whites, assorted nuts and seeds, dried fruit, Dubliner cheese, crackers, hummus, salad, trail mix granola bar
Movement: Hauling boxes for round two of state testing, walking large school building, soaking up vitamin D at lunch recess, walking around department store, bathing toddler, talking incessantly

White lady makes Mexican food and lives to tell the tale...(day 19)

Okay, okay, I've made 'Mexican' food before.  Tacos, burritos, what have you.  I'm not gonna lie, the refried beans I serve my beloved family come from a can.  While the beans are known to retain the shape of the can, they can be mashed up a bit and doctored with a little adobo and salsa.  All I do is adobo the beans, Goya oh boya.

I don't know what possessed me, but I decided that this weekend I was going to kick it up a notch and make cheese enchiladas ~ the ultimate in white people Mexican food.  This task required me to do some browsing on the interwebs to find a recipe and then a little bit of shopping.  My list included three pounds of cheese and you can't hate on that.  The enchiladas turned out great, and even the baby ate them, not one drop wound up in the dog bowl.  In addition to good eating, my husband took the cherubs to the park in the late afternoon, and I was able to stay home alone.  I almost didn't know what to do first: lie on couch, clean bathroom, paint nails.  I worked out the logistics and had a few lovely hours to myself.

Domingo Stats:
Food: 1/2 of chili relleno burrito left over from Friday's take out, pretzels, cheese enchiladas, and as a late night snack: wait for it ~ brussel sprouts
Movement: Removal and application of finger and toe nail polish, vigorous filing of nails, laundering, walking around grocery store (ALONE), reading recipe off computer

Twist and lick...(day 18)

This week was the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie.  In order to honor and celebrate America's favorite cookie, I have compiled a short list of what I like most about Oreo's:

•  They are paradoxical ~ crunchy when they are fresh and soft when they are stale.
•  They foster differentiation and tolerance ~ there is more than one way to eat them; I like to twist and lick.  People don't seem to find any one way of eating them to be superior.
•  They are unbiased ~ while they are thought to be the perfect compliment to a glass of milk, they go equally well  dunked in other liquids. I learned this as a small child who was allergic to milk. 
•  They allow you to say double stuffed.
• They are cross-cultural ~ they celebrate both Halloween (historically pagan holiday) and Christmas with different colored creams; I remain on the lookout for the elusive Hannukah Oreo.
•  They are anti-communist ~ I have yet to meet someone who dislikes them ~ if that person does in fact exist, I would suspect them of harboring communistic and anti-social tendencies.
• They help support the idea that size doesn't matter (one of few instances where this holds true and isn't just something people say to comfort themselves) ~ they come in bite-sized, which allows me to eat ungodly amounts without feeling an ounce of guilt. In addition, the bite-sized ones come in a convenient resealable pouch, allowing for easy transport.
•  They are long lasting ~ they stick in my teeth, which causes me to suck in the inside of my cheeks, which gives me the opportunity to enjoy my Oreo's well after I have actually consumed them.

I recently bought two packages of these delicious cookies, and while I can't enjoy them due to my almost over 21-day challenge, I have been enjoying them vicariously through the rest of my family.  There has been very little drooling on my part, and I only licked the baby's face that one time.

Faturday stats:
Food: 1/2 of left-over bean and cheese burrito, honey-wheat pretzels, chipotle garden burger, roasted brussel sprouts, grilling beans (this combination may prove disastrous later), vodka and club soda ~ I am on my way out to enjoy these
Movement: Grocery shopping, cleaning two bathrooms and entire house, laundering, binge drinking

You're killing me smalls...(day 17)

I think I could be a stay at home mom, truly I do, I mean I do it for approximately three months a year as it is.  If I had the luxury to do so, there would be a list of demands mutually agreed upon set of terms that I would ask my children to adhere to.  They would include, but are not limited to the following (please note that moving forward "I" refers to person of authority and "You" refers to people in household who still need help zipping their jeans):
1. I will go to the bathroom alone, without interruption at least three times per day ~ I will do my best to bathe during one of these three times.
2. I will eat one whole meal without any assistance, especially if you have just been fed and didn't like the thing I'm eating when I tried to serve it to you yesterday.  In turn, I will reserve the right to eat whatever you leave on your plate and I don't feel like scraping into the dogs bowl.
3. You will learn to close the bathroom door especially during bowel movements.  You will not call anyone in the house into the bathroom to check out what you just expelled from your body, regardless of shape or size.
4. You will take at least one decent length nap regardless of your age and the numbers of years that have passed since your last nap.
5. I will be responsible for one full, nutritious meal throughout the day.  The other meals and snacks will be between you and your creativity with peanut butter, salami, fruit chew snacks and dog treats.
6. I reserve the right to take a break at anytime throughout the day when I start to feel stabby stressed. 

7. You will wear just one outfit per day and learn to put your clothes in hampers when you are finished wearing them for the day.  If it happens to be a day we go swimming, you can wear your suit until it dries and throw on a robe if you feel chilly.
8. I will launder and fold your clothing, you will learn to live with socks that may or may not match.

9. You will not force me to count to three by using fractions and percentages.  When I say it's time to get in the car, time to clean up, time for bed, or time to brush your teeth, etc., you will nod knowingly and give thanks for my undying wisdom.

10. You will unlearn the word 'why'

Please note the above is a work in progress ~ suggestions are currently being accepted for working out the best possible agreement for all parties.

Fry-day Stats:
Food: Almonds ~ I do love me an almond, hummus, triscuits, Dubliner cheese, dates, 1/2 bean and cheese burrito, 1/2 an avocado, 1 glass of pinot grigio, 1 vicodin
Movement: Walking around all over town in my very cool, new boots, typing, sass-talking co-workers and small children, writing blogs, pinterst-ing, blue chair-ing