This is the end beautiful friend?...(day 46)

Lent is over.  This year it began on February 22nd and ends today, April 7th.  In total it was 46 days.  46 days of a meat free existence for me ~ can I get a what what?  Nearly four of those weeks in total included a junk food free existence as well ~ I rocked it!  Tomorrow is Easter and I'm gonna celebrate with my kids, and eat hard-boiled eggs and fist fight whoever comes between me and the Cadbury Creme Eggs. 
I'm also going to take a minute to figure out what to do with the next 40 odd days of my life.  I like the 40 day goal setting ~ it's attainable and doesn't feel too overwhelming.  So, I'm taking a hiatus and regrouping.  Happy Easter all!

Not me as an infant ~ random scary Easter Bunny Picture.  In my mind, Easter Bunny = Clown Scary

Predicted Easter Sunday stats:
Food: Hard-boiled eggs, asparagus, ham, scalloped potatoes, green beans, dinner rolls, cadbury eggs, jellybeans
Movement: Egg hunting, enjoying my howler monkeys lovelies three

Holy Friday Batman...(day 45)

The day was going along quietly, with little traffic and sunny skies.  People seemed to be properly reflecting on the the anniversary of JC's meeting with a t-bar, and then a few f**cked up people interesting things happened. I really appreciate a day where the people around me are infinitely more ridiculous than I can muster.

1. There's a mom that's been hanging around with her kid at lunch duty a lot lately, because you know it's cool to hang out with the 5th graders at lunch time.  Thing is this lady is dressed in what appears to be a 5th graders sized wardrobe.  She's a bigger lady who apparently is incapable of purchasing clothes in her own size.  It gives her the appearance of a poorly packed sausage, or what I like to refer to as ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.  Today was no exception, as she wore a skin tight shirt that showed mad cleavage and what I took to be a Boppy around her waist.

2. Two mom's nearly came to fisticuffs in the lobby of the school at the beginning of the school day.  Let that sink in a moment.  Two moms, toddlers in tow, fist-fighting.  In. A. School.

3. Another lady came to pick up her kid wearing a bikini.  Again, let that sink in.  Mom + bikini + school (in a landlocked state no less).  Wrong, wrong, wrong. 

So yeah, eventful day.

Good Friday Stats:
Food: Hummus, crackers, cheese, sweet peas, bell pepper, fried tomatoes, corn on the cob, cream cheese coffee cake
Movement: Sahing my head in awe, delivering of very heavy boxes to testing center, going to Target twice for Easter goodies

Working in a coal mine...(day 44)

As the end of the school year draws nearer (a mere seven weeks away) I can't help but wonder where I will find myself in terms of employment.  I've given it a lot of thought and following are some considerations of mine:
Liberty Tax Sign Spinner:  I can't help but notice these highly motivated, extremely friendly folks as I drive home from work each day.  This seems like it might be a perfect fit for me.  I'd get to be outside, get good exercise and be the people person that I clearly am. It also appears to be seasonal, so I'd probably still get summers off.

Dispatcher ~ Truly any dispatch job would be okay, but I think I'd really like to be a taxi cab dispatcher.  You know, like Danny Devito on Taxi?  I like to talk on the phone, I like to boss people and make them hurry up, the hours are probably flexible, and I think sitting in a cage might be a metaphor for being highly regarded in society.

Vodka Taste Tester ~ These days there are just so many flavors and flavor combinations for my favorite potato distilled elixir.  While I could take or leave many of them, I think I would be just the person for trying them all out.  I have a sincere love of the product and it's end results,  and I have many years of experience already in this arena.  I would think this job would also allow me to work from home.

Professional Mentor:  Like George Costanza, I could use a protege.  Having been a classroom teacher, imparting knowledge comes easily to me, I have lots of errands and mundane tasks to hand off to some unsuspecting asshole a knowledge seeker, and I really wouldn't mind a little respect, admiration and prestige.

Maundy Thursday Stats:
Food: Apple, peanut butter, jellybeans, garlic knots, pasta
Movement: Walking upright, moving boxes, laundering, laughing, to and fro tae kwan do, mopping up floor after toddler bath,

Worst day in the history of ever...(day 43)

Diet coke ~ because Mommy can't drink vodka in the car while dropping you off at school

So yeah, I tend to exaggerate some.  Whatever, I had a shitty day that began with fighting about socks with my lovely girl (f**cking socks people) and included me standing in my underclothes in the laundry room at a complete loss for what to wear to my interview after I couldn't find my suit skirt.  Those are just some of the highlights.  There was also some crying (on my part) and yelling (yep, me too) and an all around shitshow at work.  Mommy was on the verge of seriously losing her everloving mind.  Except, then I didn't.  I washed my face and got my ass in gear.  I appeared coherent and non-insane at my interview and somehow muddled through.  I got home and my darling husband (he of the "Bless his Heart") bought me veggie lo mein, just for me.  And the lovelies were happy to see me and the baby was his insane little self.  So there ended the pity party and the worst day in the history of ever.

 

Make that a venti while you're at it.

Hump day stats:
Food: 5 cheetos, a bite of delicious zucchini bread, vegetable lo mein, granola bar
Movement: Frantically racing around school building, body racking sobs (equal ab workout to violent vomiting), wandering aimlessly around house in search of skirt, walking around large school building to get to interview, blue chairing

In other words...(day 42)

In an attempt to class up my act, I am attempting to class up my language a little.  Not really. But I like a good, and utterly useless project and this whole having a mental breakdown isn't working out quite the way I anticipated. So, finding new ways to say curses is up to bat in terms of occupying my mental time and energy.  Yes, I'm admitting that I need a checkup from the neckup, and yes I am admitting that I am going to devote some time to coming up with clever curse words.  Not that long ago, I dedicated some time to making dioramas (out of peeps), making lists of songs I like and considering a haircut.  Some people have reality T.V., I have self-directed bouts of going nowhere creative therapy.  As of yet, I haven't gotten very far but here's what I have:

Douchay - Being a huge fan of calling people/inanimate objects douches, I feel changing the end sound of the word really classes it up quite a bit.  This is not unlike calling Target Tarjay, so you can pretend like you've gone to a French superstore.   
Suggested use: That guy is sleeping with his baby mama's sister.  What a douchay.

Sugarbeets - One of the women I work with says this instead of saying sh**.  Out of her girl next store, midwestern mouth, it is sweet and wholesome.  I am neither sweet, wholesome or midwestern, so this probably won't work out for me.
Suggested use: Oh sugarbeets Beav, I forgot your sack lunch on the counter again.

Fracking - They talk about this on MSNBC a lot.  I'm not entirely sure what it is actually referring to, but I sure do like the sound of it.   
Suggested use: Shut off fracking MSNBC already, and stop pretending you have knowledge of relevant topics.

Filarious - This is more of a compound word.  F**cking  + Hilarious.  Use is easy as people may not catch the 'f' sound at the beginning, or may think I have a speech impediment (I'm totally okay with that).
Suggested use: I watched The Hangover last night, filarious!

Yeah, that's all I've got for now.  So, I open it up to you dear reader.  What fake curse words are you using?  Not a curser?  What fake word words are you using?

Tewesday stats:
Food: Honey wheat pretzels, grilled cheese, noodle soup
Movement: Hauling carts full of boxes in and out of closets, labeling test booklets, pacing hallways during indoor recess, 12 oz curls of diet pepsi, racing children to and from tae kwan do, biting my tongue

I just threw up in my mouth...(day 41)

Sometime late Sunday night I developed a serious case of a stomach virus or food poisoning, or a case of the evil inside of me dying to get out.  Whatever it was, it was awful and I spent Sunday night/morning and all day Monday lying around drinking gatorade.  I felt as if someone had beat me with a bag of hammers quick while I wasn't looking and that my mouth had become a litter box.  It was not good.  On the bright side, when you can finally walk upright and get out of your robe after a stomach virus, your pants always fit a little looser.  Keep on the sunny side.

Shortly before becoming violently ill, I received an email informing me that I had an interview for one of the positions I applied for in my school district.  I was very excited, but also feeling kind of funky.  My husband took my initial complaints of feeling vomitty for nerves.  Bless his heart (isn't this what everyone says when they don't want to tell someone they're being as dumb as a box of hair?).  

Sick day stats:

Food: Gatorade, honey wheat pretzels

Movement: Lying in prone position in bed and on couch, watching Jake Gyllenhall movie (just because I was sick doesn't mean I can't enjoy a little eye-candy)

Cheers to the freakin' weekend...(days 39 & 40)

Okay, in an effort to remain stress free, I went and had myself a lovely, lovely weekend.  The whole fam-damily went to a birthday party where there were lots of kids for the lovelies to play with, the sun was shining and there was cold beer and good company!  It was at this very party that I discovered a newfound love ~ BudLight with Lime.  Not only am I classy, but I continue to remain scurvy free.

I also helped my mother clean out the back room in her basement.  I was a little bit dreading this task, however it was a nice, albeit dusty, walk down memory lane.  We had a few tears, many laughs and all in all were very accomplished. If you want to laugh your ass off, or are feeling blue, you should totally take out whatever love letters you have laying around from when you were in high school ~ instant mood booster.

To cap off a lovely spring break, we took the kids out to dinner and went and had some ice cream and a trip to Target.  Target is a place of magic for small children, and much cheaper than a trip to Disney.

April Fool's Stats:
Food: Pasta Salad, chips and onion dip (does this every go out of fashion ~ I think not), veggies, a few bites of birthday cake, beer, eggs and tortilla, shrimp fajitas, coconut ice-cream
Movement: Pounding beers in sunshine, watching children have fun, moving large and heavy garbage bags around basement, belly laughing