How Much for One Rib? (Day 8)

Today I signed the official paperwork stating that I will no longer be in my current job.  Incidentally, this is termed a RIB (reduced in building).  There was some minor twitterpation over signing of official documents (not outwardly!), but it didn't last very long because I spent the rest of the day giggling over the following: 

One cannot take too seriously a process that is called RIB, and so I refuse to.  Good things are a coming, I can feel it; March is going to be huge (that's what March's girlfriend said).

RIB day stats:
Food: Egg and cheese breakfast burrito, cantaloupe, pineapple, grapes, nutmeat, baked potato with salsa, dates, cheese, green tea
Movement: Heavy duty photocopying of schedules and testing regulations, walking around in sunshine at lunch hour, lifting 27 lb. baby in and out of car, wandering aimlessly around grocery store trying to figure out what to feed my family

Creative Rest (day 7)

So my favorite "feels like cheating snack" turns out to be "actual cheating snack".  DAMN-IT!  After my friend suggested yesterday that my beloved Kashi granola bars are just a shade above being a candy bar, I gave it a good long thought.  Turns out mocha is code for chocolate, and chocolate is the NUMBER ONE prohibition on the 21 day challenge.  DAMN-IT!  Did I know already that mocha was code for chocolate, of course I did ~ how could I not, what with mocha flavor being added to every frigging beverage under the sun anymore?  I've been to Starbucks for christsakes.  Obviously, I wasn't thinking.  And, obviously the whole point of the 21 day challenge would be thinking about what your eating.  I just was trying to eat what I usually eat for breakfast without any muss or fuss.  Instead of celebrating the fact that 1/3 of my challenge has been completed with virtually no problems, I spent the day stressing out about cheating nearly the entire week.  I'm not going to lie, the thought of starting all over again at day one, makes me want to cry.  I am willing to no longer partake in Kashi bars, or at least ones using trick words to make you forget that you're actually eating chocolate.  Damn marketing wizards.  In fact, I did not have a Kashi bar today and I've made it through with minimal tremors and frothing at the mouth.

I spoke to my dearest friend, who got me wrapped up in this prohibition to begin with.  We have decided, as a team, that I am to continue with the next two weeks sans Kashi bars and when the three weeks comes to an end, consider adding a few days at the end to save myself from debilitating guilt.  Then we talked about shoes we were going to buy in the very near future, and a trip to DSW to shop together ~ you know across the country-on the phone shop together.  Everyone needs a friend like this: I'm not exaggerating!

Day of Rest Stats:
Food: Nuts and raisins trail mix, black beans and rice, blarney castle cheese, naan, hummus, carrots, olives with feta cheese, green tea, iced-coffee
Movement: Chasing down special education teachers to optimize testing environments for students with challenges, walking up and down many flights of stairs in SPED teacher chase, walking up ramp to get in school building as stairs are under renovation, pressing print time six or seven dozen times

Land Creatures, Man & Woman (day 6)

What my children are learning is that mealtimes are optional and snacks right before bedtime are not only acceptable, but advisable.  I don't know how I've gotten myself into this mess, other than admitting that I find it very difficult to get it up night after night in order to feed other people.  When they were babies, it was easy.  Some formula, some applesauce, a little flavorless, pasty cereal.  But now, they have opinions.  When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to have opinions.  Many a night was spent, by me, sitting alone at the kitchen table, choking down food my parents insisted I eat.  There were children starving in Africa and China, according to my parents, and I was not getting up from the table until I ate what was put in front of me.  My mother wasn't running a restaurant, you know.  Not wanting to impose these same tired diatribes on my own children, I have set my self up for failure. Adding to the problem is that fact that my husband works nights and I am left to fend for myself against three other humans, and various and sundry four legged creatures.  Actually, the lizard is the easiest guy to appease ~ throw a few crickets his way and he's a happy guy.   Tonight, after my son told me he didn't like the spaghetti (take-out from pizza place), I said 'ok, just go make a sandwich, or eat some yogurt, or something'.  Translation:  I don't give a shit what you eat at this point, just eat something and leave me out of it.

My food consumption was simplistic and non-offensive.  I am lucky to work with some friends who are food sharers.  This works out well for all of us, because there's always something around to pick on, especially when you've grown weary of the tub of hummus in the fridge that has your name on it.  If left alone, my dinner would probably consist of some oatmeal and some fruit ~ ah, the circle of life.

Blue Monday Stats:
Food: Nuts and raisins, BIG iced-tea, spinach, mushroom and yellow bell pepper quiche, a cutie (citrus fruit, not 'afternoon delight'), naan with olives and feta cheese, Kashi Mocha/Almond granola bar; incidentally, my friend at work pointed out that my daily Kashi bars are just a shade above a candy bar ~ she's right & I'm okay with that.
Movement:  Fighting massive wind storm while getting to and from work, and while doing outdoor lunch recess, hauling around state tests, boxing up same state tests, walking around school building without even appearing to have purpose

Sea creatures and birds (day 5)

After removing peppermint tic tacs from the baby's nose twice before 10 a.m., the day was fairly uneventful.  While I could see putting a foreign object up your nose once, I'm not sure what possessed him to place the tic tac up there the second time.  Thankfully, medical intervention proved unnecessary as my dear cherub is a fan of blowing his nose, or at least pretending to.  His intimate knowledge of nose blowing allowed me to hold one nostril shut while he forced air and tainted candy out the other side.  It was touch and go for a minute that second time around, but extraction was successful and I can only hope this is the last of this type of activity for a while.  

Reading back over the past few days of blogs, I recognize that my days are filled, nearly to the brim, with odd goings-on.  I'm going to do a root-cause analysis and see what I come up with, there will be an action plan put into place geared toward allowing me to give others the perception that I'm not just flying blind.  Yeah, f*&K that, I'm not gonna do anything of the sort.  

Sunday stats:

Food:  Iced coffee, scrambled egg and cheese sandwich, Kashi Mocha/Almond granola bar, black bean, peppers&onions, green chile burritos with avocado, handful of blueberry craisins.

Movement:  Eight loads of laundry, bathroom cleaning, nose candy extraction, lying on couch in prone position.

Separate light from darkness...(day 4)

Today was a great day.  My kids participated in their Tae Kwan Do tournament, where my girl came in first place and my oldest came in second and third in his events.  I'm thinking placing in the top three ain't so bad for kids who have me as their mother!  Following big Korean martial art type activities, was a night at the races.  I want to be able to tell you that this was an evening at the horsetrack watching graceful, beautiful creatures run their hearts out, but truthfully it was a night at the Elks Lodge riding horses on a stick and vying for first place with physical prowess having nothing to do with it whatsoever.    It's so silly, that it's quite a lot of fun.  You get to be a jockey and someone rolls a die and decides how many spaces you get to move ahead, or not, with six lanes of horses going at a time.  I brought my kids, and my funny-as-hell brother and his girl were there, alongside my mom and some great family friends. 

My food consumption remains a non-issue.  With the running around of the morning, I was able to choke down a caramel frappe from McDonalds, which is like candy flavored liquid crack (sorry Whitney, caramel flavored crack is not whack).  I had no problem turning down the heavily frosted cake offered at horse races, although I'm not going to lie about my inability to turn down adult beverages.  Thankfully said beverages are no where near my prohibitive 21 day challenge list, and I'm going to continue to take what I can.  I was able to buy a $10 Elks Lodge glass and with that I got unlimited Pabst Blue Ribbons ~ honestly people, you can't turn down a deal like that.

Saturday Stats:
Food: Two of each of the following: baby swiss cheez-its, pepper jack cheez-its ~ my grocery store was selling boxes of three different flavors of cheez-it snack packs for a dollar & this little box of gems came in extremely handy at extra long tournament with my toddler, spicy crab rolls, mashed potatoes, corn, salad, dinner roll, approximately six PBRs (I'm not nailing myself down to a precise number), one diet coke.
Movement: Running around after my toddler in large gymnasium, playing hide and seek with same toddler, pushing stroller at fast clips to contain squirrelly toddler, riding horses, lifting never-empty new lodge glass, watching Adam Levine on Saturday Night Live

Dry Ground (day 3)

Due to a combination of technical difficulties, and laziness this post may be reaching those of you living east of the Mississippi a little late, if that matters in the least, then I wholeheartedly apologize. Friday, for me, was a roller coaster of a day.  It began with a bounce in my step that it was the end of the week and looking forward to a whole two days with my lovelies three.  It ended with me feeling crushing insecurity about my decision last week not to apply for any positions in the school where I've worked for the past twelve years, after the position I currently hold was written out of the school budget.  This was not a decision reached lightly, and certainly included gnashing of teeth, crying,  and a lot of 'dirty' words.  I'm not sure about anybody else, but if I don't let loose a good string (or fifteen) of curse words, then I'm not really making a decision.  I am a big fan of  dirty words, and have been since about the second grade whereupon making my first holy communion, I truly believed I was allowed to let loose whenever the urge struck (my mother did not hold this belief and felt that ivory soap was a good deterrent).   Whether in anger, happiness or abject nonchalance, dirty words are a good friend to me ~ not unlike vodka and Marlboro lights.  I felt the decision I made was right and gave me some semblance of control in a situation that was way out of control.  As this week ended, I felt ashamed.  I have never been reduced or written out of anything.  Ever.  I am working through this as my weekend and family time kick into full gear.  I know in a day or two, I'll feel right back to my righteous self and move forward with the same award winning positivity that carries me through most events in my life.

So day three was no sweat, in terms of eating, or not eating things on the forbidden list.  I think that candy will really be the hardest for me as the days move along, but dried fruit is really stepping up by tricking me into thinking I've had some candy.  Also, I find, that dried fruit sticks in the back of my teeth and I get to enjoy it for a few hours ~ hey, don't judge!  The nicest thing, I'm finding, is that the watchfulness over what I'm eating is allowing me to believe that I have control somewhere, somehow.  I'm gonna let that feeling ride & give everything else over to the universe for a little while. 

Threepeat Stats:
Food:  Trail mix consisting of raisins and nut meat (I giggle like a fifth grade boy every time I see nutmeat written), Kashi mocha/almond granola bar, tomatoes and string cheese, NY style pizza, garlic knot and a handful of popcorn, two glasses of beaujalais.  Oh yeah, I also had iced coffee.  This week has been a caffeine laden week.
Movement:  Lugging 25 lb. toddler around on icy sidewalks, unpurposefully walking around large school building, hauling state test boxes in and out of small closet. 

Divide the waters (day two)

The day began with light coming after dark and me being genuinely shocked by the amount of snow on the ground, my car and consequently in my boots.  Unable to find any of the shovels we own, I used a broom to clear off the car and foolishly tried to defy the nature of snow on a steep incline.  I thought I could rocket my little Saturn straight out of the driveway using sheer willpower and a heavy foot.  I can't say for sure if I over or under thought the whole endeavor, but the end result was me being stuck at the bottom of my own driveway for over 30 minutes.  My oldest child was kind enough to offer backseat driving tips while I worked up a sweat from literally rocking in the drivers seat in the hopes of dislodging my cars wheels from the mess underneath them.  I suspect I was on the way to accomplishing pushing my car from the inside, when a kindly stranger pushed my car from the outside for me and off we went.  No doubt, my exertions loosened the car enabling the stranger to so easily push me backwards.  Even though my socks just dried about an hour ago, the plus side of my day was that I got to wear my jaunty, navy blue, wool cap all day.  At least I had that going for me.

I made it through the day without a hitch in regards to consuming the flesh of other sentient beings, but was really craving something sweeeeet.  Because I feel that I screwed up by unthinkingly consuming a small amount of french fries yesterday, I was not about to screw up my second day one of the 21 day challenge.  Thankfully, I had a little container of dates I brought with me to work and so I pretended they were candy and ate them all before 10 a.m.  I'm thinking dates and craisins (the blueberry craisins are especially delicious) are going to get me a long way in terms of pretending things are candy.  The problem cropped back up at around 3 p.m. when I had an Elaine Benes like revelation that sweets are needed at this time of day.

I did not submit to eating stale cake, but had an apple and acted like I really enjoyed it.  I wonder if quitting little sweets throughout the day will be like quitting smoking.  Get through the first three days and you'll be home free ~ if not, maybe I can start smoking in my office.  I'm already considering sneaking alcohol into work through my stomach, so smoking won't be too much of a stretch.

Try again day stats:
Food: Two Kashi mocha/almond chewy granola bars, iced coffee, lentils, cheese, crackers, dates, one apple, garden burger, 1/4 of an avocado, broccoli
Movement: Moving snow laden full trash can out of driveway, mentally and physically trying to move my car (from the inside) out of the driveway, precariously walking on icy sidewalks in front of school, walking through 2nd floor hallway while watching students on inside recess day, chasing toddler, mopping up bathroom floor after aforementioned toddler's bath.

In the beginning...(day one)

Last night I went to bed absolutely giddy with plans for my life as a penitent.  Two hours later, I was still wide awake with that stupid  J.Lo song 'On the Floor' running incessantly through my head.  The more I begged my brain to cease and desist with the hook from that played-out jam, the more it amped itself up until I found myself able to think of nothing but J. Lo's ass.  It occurred to me at about two a.m. that perhaps I am coveting her ass and therefore am doomed to hear said song until I obtain a J. Lo like ass, or get a really good pair of supportive underpants. I feel super pleased the lady below doesn't have a hit song out, because I don't trust what conclusions could be drawn regardless of time of day.

After about three and half minutes of really good sleep, my alarm clock went off, and yet another day of glory began.  When I mentioned to my daughter on her way to school that she was probably going to go to church today, she replied, "Church is boring.  Do you know what you're allowed to do there?  Sit. Be quiet.  That's it, you don't know what it's like mom".  I felt proud somehow that she came to this conclusion on her own at the age of five.  At five I was still excited to go to church with my grandparents, although I'm willing to admit that it might have been the post-Church visit to Sizzler that enticed me most of all.

The day went smoothly enough, and I found it fairly easy to sail through the day without being tempted to eat meat (sorry Jay) or anything from the list of stuff that are no-no's on the 21 day challenge.  I  got my kids Wendy's for dinner and snagged a handful of fries from my youngest, thinking fries were not on 'the list'.  It wasn't until later that I realized that the fries were indeed fast food & most definitely listed as verboten.  This leaves me with a conundrum.  Do I count today as a successful day one, OR do I begin again tomorrow?  I haven't decided yet, and I'll see what tomorrow brings; there's no way those mealy-mouthed bastards are getting fries again tomorrow.  I suspect I won't count today as a success on the challenge as I'll wind up feeling guilty about it, which will bring up a whole other mess of issues.  In case you haven't been paying attention, I have plenty of issues on my plate for the time being.

Ash Wednesday Stats:
Food:  Kashi Almond/Mocha bar, grape tomatoes, hummus, crackers, dates, cheese, 1/2 my total body weight in diet coke, handful of fries 
Movement:  Walking briskly around large school building with writing utensil and important looking index cards in hand, ~ I truly believe if you have the right accessories and a sense of purpose you can walk around any institution~ chasing toddler around, pumping gas

Ashes to ashes, we all fall down...

Just like my New Year's resolutions, I prefer my lenten sacrifices to be valueless and lacking creedence.  This is a self-created system that works well for me because it allows me to have very little care regarding my success levels in attaining stated goals.  I usually try to avoid imposing restrictions that highlight what a lazy ass I actually am.  Examples of what I've considered giving up this year are included, but not limited to the following:

1. Pretending not to watch Jersey Shore
2. Almond Milk
3. My stock in Collecovision
4. My 8-track collection
5. Not calling people vaginas in work meetings

This year, however, I feel a little differently.  I've had a couple of epiphanies ~ although I'm not quite sure if non-practicing Catholics are allowed even one epiphany, never mind multiple epiphanies in a short period of time.  Whatever.  In one short week: I was written out of the budget at my job, got poked in the eye (really hard), had to witness my neighbor sob over his dog eating his cat, and stabbed myself in the hand (a lot of bleeding).  These events, if standing alone, might give one pause; combined together, they made me realize I might need to change things up a little.  SO, I'm going to give myself forty days to see what I can do.  I've already decided to give up meat (and by meat I mean...), which truthfully isn't terribly difficult for me as I prefer to eat vegetables over the flesh of other mammals.  And, I'm going to try this no-junk food 21 day challenge thing with my best friend.  21 days is less than 1/2 of lent, so please don't confuse me with someone who has suddenly become instilled with piety and other virtuous characteristics. 

My starting a new blog about these forty days is my attempt to keep myself on track ~ what track I'm on, one can hardly know at this point.  However, I find if I say things out loud, to other people, then I'm more likely to follow through.  Join me in my lack of self-indulgence.  Not to worry, I will not be giving up any of the following:

1. Vodka
2. Wine
3. Cheese
4. Using f*$k frequently in casual conversation
5. Watching re-runs of sitcoms that were popular in the 1990s

Fat Tuesday Stats:

Food: Chicken enchilada (40 days starts tomorrow wise asses), twizzlers, hummus, aspargus, fontina cheese, crackers, dates, dry salami, a bit of brownie left on my son's plate, and one vicodin.

Movement: Sitting in blue recliner, in a robe, in my husbands slippers, using a heating pad just because it feels good.