Introducing Mr. Mumblef**k

 Have I told you about my neighbor?  Mr. Mumblef**k?  I think I may have mentioned him in some other post somewhere.  He's painfully thin, wears bobby pins in his wavy, greasy hair, is always drunk and resembles Bruce Dern's character in The Burbs.  Over the past five and a half years, we've had many, many encounters with him or someone in his dysfunctional family, most unpleasant, some benign, others downright scary.  Tonight's encounter leans toward the unpleasant side, although I locked the front door when he stumbled away.

My incredibly loving husband decided to take all three lovelies for pizza and swimming when I got home tonight, leaving me ALONE.  As it turns out, I should not be left alone for extended periods of time.  Generally speaking I am not very creative when given free time as I do only three things: clean, paint my nails, or take a nap.  Tonight I attempted to do two of the three: paint my nails and clean. 

I painted my toes a very bright pink and while it was drying, I ran up to the back porch to clean ~ mainly to unload the sticks and tree limbs one of the dogs is a fan of dragging into the house and chewing into bits.  I could probably get money renting him out as a wood chipper (note to self: post this as possibility on Craigslist posthaste).  Anyway, since I'd done such a bang up job with the yard, this space seemed like the next logical (logic being a strong suit for me) step, working my way in.  Happily, I wiped down the surfaces in the room and vacuumed with gusto.  I was finishing up picking up the wood and fiddling around with the vacuum when the phone rang.  I was so glad for the distraction as I was sweating profusely and took my phone call out onto the front steps to get fresh air and cool down.  As I was talking, I noticed Mr. Mumblef**k sashaying toward my front lawn with what appeared to be a Big Mouth Billy the Bass.  You know, the singing fish plaque?

And indeed that's just what he had in hand, and more importantly in mind for my family.  He stumbled up to where I was sitting quietly having a phone conversation and slurred something about bringing me this thing for my kids.  This dirty, old fish plaque.  I replied by saying that I was on the phone regarding my work (which I was, sort of) at which point he pressed the button on Billy.  Billy began to sing.  I politely mentioned again that I was on the phone about work.  Seeming offended, he spat that he would shut the thing off and then proceeded to sit down next to me.  Next to my right elbow, breathing moistly as he presumably awaited the end of my phone call.

After about ten minutes, he got up angrily and stuttered down the walk.  He was mumbling about how he gives and I take ~ please note I have never been offered/given a fish plaque by anyone previously.  At this point, I asked my friend to hold on and asked loudly who the hell had asked him to come to my house with his filthy junk?  I followed this up with some choice expletives as he mumbled and careened away.  Little did he know he was dealing with a gal who is just a shade away from a rolling boil lately.  The best part for me was that he left Billy behind and it was another item I could add meaningfully to the growing 'throw away' pile.

Billyday Stats:

Food: Breakfast burrito, apple, slice of pizza, caramel frappucino

Movement: Busying about the 2nd floor hall between various 5th grade classrooms as I have been given the task of creating the playlist for the end of year dance, vigorous cleaning of patio, vocal chord stretching, laundering

Life, liberty and the pursuit of cleanliness...

Ok, so I know I've been doing a piss poor job of keeping up with my newest 40 day challenge, I might need to be more realistic and make it a summer challenge because quite frankly I've got a lot of stuff.  I could really use a Phineas and Ferb summer where there are 104 days of summer vacation, or at the very least I could use a really kick ass platypus spy to hang around with.

I got off to a really good start what with the beginnings of clearing the yard of items best left unsaid, and then I sort of fizzled out.  You know, to have my mental health meltdown and all.  And let me tell you, that was exhausting.  Moving forward I'm going to refer to it as my aura-cleansing because I think it makes me sound productive instead of bat shit crazy (or maybe not?).

This week I began anew.  I started with my work space, and damn was it liberating!  I began slowly and with a sense of purpose, determined to put things neatly in boxes that I would keep and recycle the rest.  But once I started putting things in the recycle bin, I couldn't stop myself and just went frigging nuts and got rid of much of the flotsam of my working life.  After having filled up no less than three recycle bins, I felt high.  Not a marijuana high, because I didn't need a nap or cheesy snacks, but a 'I just ran 10 miles and can still stand up' high.  The feeling followed me home and I went back to work on the yard.  I threw away miscellaneous beat up toys, many tree limbs and two broken patio chairs.  Then I spent a little time in the garage, which nearly paralyzes me with fear, and threw away unused, unwanted, useless baby items, and the base to a coffee table that no longer has a top.  HELL YES!

Besides the 'I'm on a cleaning frenzy' high, the week also brought a job offer and acceptance as well a few steps closer to end of this f**king pit of despair current school year.  Bring it summer, I'm ready!

Oh, and I decided to start keeping track of what I've eaten and done physically again, because I think it's good for me to do so, and oddly I found that people liked reading about what I was eating. 

Recycling stats:
Food: Caramel light frappucino ~ I have a genuine distrust of these baristas and whether or not they are really providing me with non-fat milk, and yet I can't keep away, 1/2 breakfast burrito, mango salsa, tortilla chips, muenster cheese, 2 Ghiradelli dark chocolate squares, vietnamese soup ala Annie Chun, granola bar
Movement: Tracking down fourth graders to complete reading testing, keeping eyes open and head up during reading testing, waltzing around playground to avoid tattle telling first graders, sweeping my concrete patio, chasing rambunctious toddler around soccer field for two hours.

Up What?

Thinking of throwing away much of your household and becoming a minimalist begs the question: what does one do with a f**kton of unwanted stuff?  Of course, there's the 'trash' pile, and the 'donate' pile; for some there is also the 'sell' pile, but I am neither inclined nor interested in garage saling. I know you're impressed by how I made a garage sale seem like a sport.

Recently, a friend turned me onto the idea of upcycling.  This is a fancy way of saying that you will take old, used items and turn them into new useful items - green is the word.  Not quite recycling as you're not taking a bunch of soda bottles and turning them into some other plastic item, but you're taking maybe a curtain and turning it into a skirt.   I hate to admit that for some reason this reminds me of the guys who used to stand outside of the bank in Queens and wait for people to put their 1/2 smoked cigarettes into the sand/ash tray before walking into the bank.  Then those guys would smoke the rest ~ waste not want not. I've been giving some thought to this idea and realize that I'm not crafty enough, (read - not crafty at all) to upcycle anything. I gave some thought as to what I might have inadvertently upcycled over the years and this is what I came up with:

1. I've used socks and tee shirts to clean the bathroom.
2. I've turned cigars into, well better cigars.
3. I've turned used toilet paper rolls and tinfoil into an effective little bong.
4. I've turned gum into temporary glue.
5. I've turned a wine bottle into a candleholder.
6. I've used empty beer cans as ashtrays, ditto for beer bottles.
7. I've used empty cool whip containers as a cereal bowl.
8. I have created a nifty peel off nail polish by combining old nail polish and Elmer's glue.
9. I tried to create a unique outdoor planter by using an unused toilet bowl.
10. I have utilized unwanted waffles as a substitute for dog food.
11. I've turned pad thai into breakfast.
12. I've turned a lighter into a bottle opener.

So there you have it; not only am I an upcycler, but it also appears that I am a genius as well.

Hello! Is there anbody in there? Just nod if you can hear me...

It's been nearly a month since I logged off of my 40 (plus) day challenge ~ lenten observances and 21 day challenges having been completed.  It's been a long and arduous month for me fraught with mishaps and improbabilities as I realize much of my life is.  I've learned quite a bit about myself in just this one month, which I decided to share with you, my dear readers(s).  So here goes:

1. Having returned to meat eating, I realize that meat eating is an obstacle to my general feeling of well being.  Not to say that I have forgone it completely, just that I've learned that I feel better when I don't partake.

2.  I am in the middle of having an existential crisis  & I suck at it.  Having crises is not in my genetic makeup and yet I continue to subject myself to periods of manic positivity and downright sobbing (all in one day) continuously.

3. In the words of Lloyd Dobler, I continue to look for a 'dare to be great situation'

4. I find solace, comfort and sheer joy in music.

5. Being with my children brings me peace.

6. Feeling sorry for myself pisses me off (but I still do it some).

7. I REALLY like painting my nails.

8. In a hot minute I can return to the girl from Queens especially when confronted with very large, belligerent women in a McDonald's drive through line.

9. Laughter is my best medicine (vicodin doesn't hurt though)

10. I actually enjoy doing quadratic equations and factoring (WTF, really?)

11.  My husband is some kind of wonderful

12. I am who I've always been.

This list should not be considered exhaustive - in fact I'm still figuring out how to work taking xanax into the mix, and how to drink wine during the work day.  All things considered, I feel like me with a dash more introspection.  My next project will be to spend forty days cleaning house - literally and figuratively.  This will be accomplished by shedding my spaces of unnecessary clutter.  I started with the backyard and threw away like 6 large, black garbage bags of stuff - what that stuff was I could hardly recount (it involved wet sand and dog poop; I've already said too much).  By the by, throwing away a garbage can is harder than it would seem.  So here I go again, 40 days of physical cleansing to help with mental cleansing (otherwise know as faking it til I make it).

This is the end beautiful friend?...(day 46)

Lent is over.  This year it began on February 22nd and ends today, April 7th.  In total it was 46 days.  46 days of a meat free existence for me ~ can I get a what what?  Nearly four of those weeks in total included a junk food free existence as well ~ I rocked it!  Tomorrow is Easter and I'm gonna celebrate with my kids, and eat hard-boiled eggs and fist fight whoever comes between me and the Cadbury Creme Eggs. 
I'm also going to take a minute to figure out what to do with the next 40 odd days of my life.  I like the 40 day goal setting ~ it's attainable and doesn't feel too overwhelming.  So, I'm taking a hiatus and regrouping.  Happy Easter all!

Not me as an infant ~ random scary Easter Bunny Picture.  In my mind, Easter Bunny = Clown Scary

Predicted Easter Sunday stats:
Food: Hard-boiled eggs, asparagus, ham, scalloped potatoes, green beans, dinner rolls, cadbury eggs, jellybeans
Movement: Egg hunting, enjoying my howler monkeys lovelies three

Holy Friday Batman...(day 45)

The day was going along quietly, with little traffic and sunny skies.  People seemed to be properly reflecting on the the anniversary of JC's meeting with a t-bar, and then a few f**cked up people interesting things happened. I really appreciate a day where the people around me are infinitely more ridiculous than I can muster.

1. There's a mom that's been hanging around with her kid at lunch duty a lot lately, because you know it's cool to hang out with the 5th graders at lunch time.  Thing is this lady is dressed in what appears to be a 5th graders sized wardrobe.  She's a bigger lady who apparently is incapable of purchasing clothes in her own size.  It gives her the appearance of a poorly packed sausage, or what I like to refer to as ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.  Today was no exception, as she wore a skin tight shirt that showed mad cleavage and what I took to be a Boppy around her waist.

2. Two mom's nearly came to fisticuffs in the lobby of the school at the beginning of the school day.  Let that sink in a moment.  Two moms, toddlers in tow, fist-fighting.  In. A. School.

3. Another lady came to pick up her kid wearing a bikini.  Again, let that sink in.  Mom + bikini + school (in a landlocked state no less).  Wrong, wrong, wrong. 

So yeah, eventful day.

Good Friday Stats:
Food: Hummus, crackers, cheese, sweet peas, bell pepper, fried tomatoes, corn on the cob, cream cheese coffee cake
Movement: Sahing my head in awe, delivering of very heavy boxes to testing center, going to Target twice for Easter goodies

Working in a coal mine...(day 44)

As the end of the school year draws nearer (a mere seven weeks away) I can't help but wonder where I will find myself in terms of employment.  I've given it a lot of thought and following are some considerations of mine:
Liberty Tax Sign Spinner:  I can't help but notice these highly motivated, extremely friendly folks as I drive home from work each day.  This seems like it might be a perfect fit for me.  I'd get to be outside, get good exercise and be the people person that I clearly am. It also appears to be seasonal, so I'd probably still get summers off.

Dispatcher ~ Truly any dispatch job would be okay, but I think I'd really like to be a taxi cab dispatcher.  You know, like Danny Devito on Taxi?  I like to talk on the phone, I like to boss people and make them hurry up, the hours are probably flexible, and I think sitting in a cage might be a metaphor for being highly regarded in society.

Vodka Taste Tester ~ These days there are just so many flavors and flavor combinations for my favorite potato distilled elixir.  While I could take or leave many of them, I think I would be just the person for trying them all out.  I have a sincere love of the product and it's end results,  and I have many years of experience already in this arena.  I would think this job would also allow me to work from home.

Professional Mentor:  Like George Costanza, I could use a protege.  Having been a classroom teacher, imparting knowledge comes easily to me, I have lots of errands and mundane tasks to hand off to some unsuspecting asshole a knowledge seeker, and I really wouldn't mind a little respect, admiration and prestige.

Maundy Thursday Stats:
Food: Apple, peanut butter, jellybeans, garlic knots, pasta
Movement: Walking upright, moving boxes, laundering, laughing, to and fro tae kwan do, mopping up floor after toddler bath,