Introducing Mr. Mumblef**k

 Have I told you about my neighbor?  Mr. Mumblef**k?  I think I may have mentioned him in some other post somewhere.  He's painfully thin, wears bobby pins in his wavy, greasy hair, is always drunk and resembles Bruce Dern's character in The Burbs.  Over the past five and a half years, we've had many, many encounters with him or someone in his dysfunctional family, most unpleasant, some benign, others downright scary.  Tonight's encounter leans toward the unpleasant side, although I locked the front door when he stumbled away.

My incredibly loving husband decided to take all three lovelies for pizza and swimming when I got home tonight, leaving me ALONE.  As it turns out, I should not be left alone for extended periods of time.  Generally speaking I am not very creative when given free time as I do only three things: clean, paint my nails, or take a nap.  Tonight I attempted to do two of the three: paint my nails and clean. 

I painted my toes a very bright pink and while it was drying, I ran up to the back porch to clean ~ mainly to unload the sticks and tree limbs one of the dogs is a fan of dragging into the house and chewing into bits.  I could probably get money renting him out as a wood chipper (note to self: post this as possibility on Craigslist posthaste).  Anyway, since I'd done such a bang up job with the yard, this space seemed like the next logical (logic being a strong suit for me) step, working my way in.  Happily, I wiped down the surfaces in the room and vacuumed with gusto.  I was finishing up picking up the wood and fiddling around with the vacuum when the phone rang.  I was so glad for the distraction as I was sweating profusely and took my phone call out onto the front steps to get fresh air and cool down.  As I was talking, I noticed Mr. Mumblef**k sashaying toward my front lawn with what appeared to be a Big Mouth Billy the Bass.  You know, the singing fish plaque?

And indeed that's just what he had in hand, and more importantly in mind for my family.  He stumbled up to where I was sitting quietly having a phone conversation and slurred something about bringing me this thing for my kids.  This dirty, old fish plaque.  I replied by saying that I was on the phone regarding my work (which I was, sort of) at which point he pressed the button on Billy.  Billy began to sing.  I politely mentioned again that I was on the phone about work.  Seeming offended, he spat that he would shut the thing off and then proceeded to sit down next to me.  Next to my right elbow, breathing moistly as he presumably awaited the end of my phone call.

After about ten minutes, he got up angrily and stuttered down the walk.  He was mumbling about how he gives and I take ~ please note I have never been offered/given a fish plaque by anyone previously.  At this point, I asked my friend to hold on and asked loudly who the hell had asked him to come to my house with his filthy junk?  I followed this up with some choice expletives as he mumbled and careened away.  Little did he know he was dealing with a gal who is just a shade away from a rolling boil lately.  The best part for me was that he left Billy behind and it was another item I could add meaningfully to the growing 'throw away' pile.

Billyday Stats:

Food: Breakfast burrito, apple, slice of pizza, caramel frappucino

Movement: Busying about the 2nd floor hall between various 5th grade classrooms as I have been given the task of creating the playlist for the end of year dance, vigorous cleaning of patio, vocal chord stretching, laundering