Bobby the ARC Angel...

Today, Christmas Eve, started off uneventfully.  I went to the mall as soon as it opened as I am a masochist.  Remarkably, I got what I needed, and a few things I didn't and made a hasty exit.  It was not crowded and everyone there seemed full of good cheer.  I was astounded.

I decided to ride this good tiding out and get another cup of coffee from my favorite gas station and stop in at the ARC Thrift Store by my house.  I live on the border of a fancy neighborhood and have been told that the ARC by my house has all kinds of goodies - biggest dick in China people.

Anyway, I found two really nice sweater dresses and made my way to the counter to pay.  While checking out, the clerk asked me if I wanted to donate a little more to their cause.  I said, 'sure, why not', she rang me up and then asked if I wanted to fill out a paper angel to show that I had donated.   I said 'no, thank you' and she called Bobby over.  Bobby is a young, developmentally disabled boy who works at this particular store.  The clerk said 'Bobby, you got another one' and he bounded over to her register with a smile in every ounce of his being.  He was so excited to fill out the paper angel in my stead and wished me a Merry Christmas loudly and with meaning.  I wished him the same and he said 'oh Happy New Year too'.  I gotta tell you, it took every fiber of my being not to cry right there on the spot.  I scored two dresses for twenty bucks, but damn, I scored so much more.  Bobby embodied everything beautiful there is about this season and gives me hope that we're gonna be okay after all.  Merry Christmas Bobby ~ today I am ever so grateful for you and your beautiful soul that shines out with a light that cannot be diminished.

  

First World Problems...

I was talking to one of my beautiful cousins this morning about music, which bee-tee-wubs, is one of my favorite topics.  I was telling him how I recently had to purchase a new iPod because my 120gb one shit the bed on me and he was telling me about how he lent one of his iPods to a friend and they lost it. We were both like, sigh - man that sucks. But really?  And then we laughed because surely (don't call me Shirley) there are people out there who would love to have such a problem.

And actually, there's a whole website devoted to just such problems:  http://first-world-problems.com/

So today, I'm grateful for the plethora of first world problems that I currently have.  Here's a sampling of such:

1. The heated seats on the passenger side of my 6 person, 4 door sedan are on the fritz.

2. The purple gloves I wanted to buy my daughter that match her scarf, hat, and boots, didn't come in her size.

3. The delivery of my customized digital calendar from Shutterfly is cutting it a little too close for my comfort. 

4. I'll never finish off the Costco sized box of crackers in my pantry before they go stale.

5. The sun dried tomato and herb goat cheese I got on sale went mostly uneaten.

6. The liquor store I frequent was out of my favorite pinot noir.

7. I had to take a half day off from work because the babysitter was sick.  

8. There isn't any room in the draws for all our clothes when I finally get to the bottom of the hamper.

9. I had to make two trips to the ARC donation center for all of our cast-offs.

10. My boots aren't the same shade of brown as my belt. Sigh.

Charmed life my friends, charmed life.

Santa Doobie Doo...

Remember when you were little and thought Scooby and the gang were amazeballs, because they were?  And then remember when you were a teenager and you thought Scooby and the gang were amazeballs because you realized that the good folks at Hanna Barbera must've been high as murtherfurcking kites while they were writing that shit?  Yeah, you know you watched it high while you were a teenager and had some revelations (the 3 Stooges upside down in a Cessna?), or at least some desire to eat the sandwiches that Shaggy and Scooby were throwing together.

Well today I am thankful for an alternate idea to the story of Santa Claus.  For years I have been in love with David Sedaris' story about St. Nicholas's day in Holland: 

http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=49902

But then, today my eye was caught by this captivating title on my newsfeed:

"Magic Mushrooms May Explain Santa & His 'Flying' Reindeer"

and it reminded me of my love of Scooby and his gang.  I won't make you read the whole article twice like I did, but I will provide a few highlights:

"As the story goes, up until a few hundred years ago these practicing shamans or priests connected to the older traditions would collectAmanita muscaria (the Holy Mushroom), dry them, and then give them as gifts on the winter solstice," Rush told LiveScience. "Because snow is usually blocking doors, there was an opening in the roof through which people entered and exited, thus the chimney story."

Why do people bring pine trees into their houses at the Winter Solstice, placing brightly colored (red and white) packages under their boughs, as gifts to show their love for each other … ?" he wrote. "It is because, underneath the pine bough is the exact location where one would find this 'Most Sacred' substance, the Amanita muscaria, in the wild."

Whoever heard of reindeer flying? I think it's becoming general knowledge that Santa is taking a 'trip' with his reindeer...

I appreciate not only an alternative to the traditional Santa story, which is fairly farfetched, but also the idea that a benevolent spiritual guide would bring edible goodies to expand yo mind.  You dig?  I dig.

Sweet Home Assabama...

Ah, the daily news (Yahoo, Facebook, Twitter, and Msnbc) provides one with much fodder, does it not?  If one is not careful, one could become filled with rage and start feeling stabby about the fidiots (fidiot=contraction=fucking idiots) who are floating around out there in the universe and on the inter webs.  Anyhoo, today my gratitude is extended to not being a teacher in Texas, Virginia or Tennessee.

Did ya know that Texas, Virginia and Tennessee are giving consideration to arming teachers?  I've been a teacher for my entire adult life and have never even considered packing a gat when going to work - packing a sandwich, or a yogurt, yes.  A firearm?  No.  The fact that I am allowed to hang out with other people's children all day is a questionable choice as it is.  Not because I'm a bad person, but I have questionable morals, find the most inappropriate things funny, and often curse.  True story.  Despite all this, in front of children, I manage to maintain an air of civility and professionalism (coupled with a true belief in their abilities, education and a love of learning) and this has worked out for me.    However, arming a person who lacks the ability to make a pot of coffee might not be wise.  If I wanted to be armed for a living, I would've become a police officer, or a revolutionary in South America - like Che Guevara, but without a motorcycle and just a little less facial hair.

It's like looking in a mirror people

Next proposal might be to make cops into teachers.  That way there's double the people who are doing things that are completely inappropriate.  I gotta tell you, I don't know any teacher that wouldn't stand in the way of their students and harms way, however, arming people who spend all day with other people's children might not be the best laid out plan.

Oh Tanenbaum...

Today I am ever so grateful that I had the wherewithal to properly put away my Christmas lights last year by chucking the ones that didn't work and neatly winding all the good ones into an easily untangled circle.  Woo Hoo!  It's a festivus miracle.

Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails...

Have you met my crazy baby?  Goes by the name of Asher?  Today I'm thankful for his unflagging joy and laughter ringing throughout the house.  He's nucking futs, this kid.

Example: Today he rode a cardboard box made to look like a car down the stairs all the while making vroom vroom noises.  When he hit bottom, he laughed maniacally.  He was naked. Except for the box.

Example: He sings all day long.  Mostly made up songs.  Most recent is a little diddy we call 'Zinga' because that's what he chants to a nameless tune for hours.  Hours.  He is also a fan of singing: "I see your heiney, all white and shiny, if you don't hide it, I'm gonna bite it".  When singing, he is naked.

Example: He jumps on everything.  Couches, tables, cats, dogs.  First he counts "one, two, eight, GO". Nothing is safe.  While jumping, he is naked.

Example: He loves Dora the Explorer and asks to watch at least every 30 seconds throughout a day.  He is particularly fond of Benny the Bull.  Asher answers Dora in only Spanish (perfect pronunciation).  He watches naked.

Example: He gives bear hugs & growls while he's doing it.  Also, he says "I love you too" even if you didn't say it first.  Of course, he's naked.

Sometimes I'm a Dick...

It happens to me every year.  Thanksgiving passes quietly and happily and then Christmas gets into full swing and shit just hits the floor for me.  I find myself struggling daily to remain upbeat and imbue the Christmas spirit.  I'm short of attention, goodwill and appropriate language.  Happens every year.  Whatevs - maybe I have seasonal defective disorder or some shit.  I don't know, but thankfully something snaps me out of my reverie - is it called reverie when you feel all stabby and pms-y all the time?  So there you have it, my reasoning behind the lack of gratitude coming to you all electronically, from me.  I suck and I'm a dick - do with that what you will.

BUT, there has been some shit.  Shit outside of my realm of proximity, and shit within my sphere that has shaken me up a bit and is throwing the bitchies off my spirit.  And god damn am I grateful for all the piddly shit that trips me up and makes me feel sorry for myself (b/c it's all piddly shit).  I'm such a dick sometimes.  This week has seen the death of a good friend, and some other nonsense that has made me stabby - like I didn't like the tree my husband brought home - really?  Bitch - not only do I HAVE a tree BUT a place to put it.  Have some perspective Asshole.

Ten days left to Christmas spirit the hell out of all three of you (dear readers).  I will bring this shit down.  10 DAYS of gratitude...I'll be all Bill Murray at the end of Scrooged.   All I can say is look sharp people, look sharp.

If you can't handle that....then there's this...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/moments-that-restored-our-faith-in-humanity-this-y

Human Behaviour...

Today I am thankful for all the people out there in the great wide world who show heart.  Who did the right thing when it wasn't asked, just because.  Specifically, I am thankful for boys like the one below who was pinned, during a wrestling match, by another boy with cerebral palsy.  Those boys will grow into men someday and just knowing that there is the potential for two more good men out there makes me a grateful gal.

Way to be fellas...

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother...

Today I am thankful for my brother, because obviously.  I've got just the one you see and he is eight years younger than me.  Due to this unfortunate circumstance (for him), I've spent nearly thirty two years bossing him about and telling him ridiculous things all without him batting an eye or even raising his voice at me.  Mostly he just laughs at me, or with me, and he genuinely seems to appreciate me for all the asshatted glory that is Kell.

Recent exchanges between me and my brother:

Me: I'd rather get a gynelogical exam at McDonald's with a spork than go to that party
Jack: Ha!  I forgot about sporks.  Right?

Me: We'll totally fit all these Costco items in my matchbox car, not to worry
Jack: I don't think that's going to work
Me: Well it's a shame I have to leave you here so I can bring my groceries home

Jack: After hitting head on the doorframe - Why'd you have to bring this car
Me: Laughing
Jack: I feel like I'm doing crunches in this car
Me: It's a healthride.  You're welcome

Me: I think if I were to buy you that shirt that CeeLo wears in the muppet video you would rock that shit.  I'm gonna look into getting that for you for Christmas

Jack: I like the Muppets

He would totally rock this shit

Jack: Are you still doing that vegetarian shit?

Me: Yes, I just gag otherwise

Jack: You're ridiculous, I just had an awesome surf and turf at my house the other night

Me: You didn't witness the massacre in my refrigerator