I just wanna bang on the drum all day...

Just the other day, I heard myself telling someone that I didn't think I would be any good at being a stay at home mom.  Because I really appreciate the time I have with my kids, and if I was home all day I wouldn't be able to appreciate all the precious moments; and by precious moments, I am referring to those little ceramic dolls with big eyes, not time spent with my children.  I'm too independent and need adult time and focused, mind expanding experiences all day (which of course begs the question: why did I stop smoking pot?).  Blah, blah, blech - I almost wanted to punch myself in the face for such a confident, sanctimonious answer.  After this brief encounter, I was struck by how I honestly didn't know if what I said was actually true, or something I had sold myself on over the past decade?

The truth of the matter probably lies somewhere in between.  Do I enjoy working? Mostly.  Do I miss my kids during a day? Mostly.  Am I glad to have somewhere productive to be all day?  Mostly.  There are no definitive answers for me, all answers are dependent on a given moment, and current circumstances/situations, and for me to pretend otherwise - conscious or not- is a bunch of malarkey.  I'm calling bullshit on myself.

What I can say with absolute certainty is that while I am at work, I feel badly for not being there for my kids- like this year when I missed Halloween celebrations at their school.  Although, I did get to go trick or treating with them and friends for many hours.  With absolute certainty, I also know that their are many times that I feel like a bad employee - like when I take a day off to stay home with a sick baby, or leave early because the kids have an early release day.   I suppose I'll continue to ride the fence of uncertainty; half bad employee + half bad mom = modern day woman?