You Who?

YouTube ~  today I am thankful for you and the endless opportunities for mindless entertainment provided daily.  Youtube allows me to view old Scooby episodes, get my hands on videos of people falling down and view hilarious kitten montages.  Kudos to you YouTube for also helping me entertain three howler monkeys who are decidedly less than impressed with TV offerings now that we no longer have cable.

The video is not only heartwarming, but answered the question as to what to get my brother for Christmas - CeeLo's outfit is just what I was looking for.

With the holidays coming up, it's never a mistake to brush up on your etiquette

Conversate for a few...

Today I am thankful for the conversations I get to have with one badass little girl named Ella.  To be honest, she mostly does the talking and my role is simply listener.  Recent exchanges with Ella include the following:

Ella: Why do girls have to wear bras?
Me:   Um, because...
Ella:  Is it so their nipples don't glob down?
Me:   Yes, that's exactly it!  Although mommy doesn't have to really worry about that
Ella:  Well some people do, and nobody wants knee nipples.  Ferocious giggling followed by knee nipples said under her breath as she walked away.

Ella: Today in my class we talked about things you can do if there is a stranger trying to take you in a car.
Me: Stranger Danger?
Ella: We didn't call it that, but okay.
Me: What ideas did you have?
Ella: We had a lot of ideas.  I like the idea of screaming as loud as you can and saying NO!
Me: That's a good one.
Ella: Yes, there were a lot of ideas but talking about it made me not comfortable.
Me: You were uncomfortable?
Ella: Yes, talking about it made me feel like I had to fart.

Me: What should we put on your Christmas list?
Ella: Monster High dolls
Me: Don't you have a bunch of those?
Ella: Yes, but many of them are broken
Me:  Broken, well then shouldn't we throw them away?
Ella: No! They're only missing hands, feet and hair

Ella: Knock, knock
Me: Who's there?
Ella: Apple
Me: Apple who?
Ella: Apple
Me: Apple who?
Ella: Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Ferocious giggling followed by orange, banana, apple muttered under her breath.

Piss in boots

So I thought and thought about writing what I was most thankful for on Thanksgiving, and I had all kinds of ideas.  My beautiful healthy family, my friends (most of whom are like family), my health, a roof over my head, etc.  But then I threw up in my mouth a little because everything I was inclined to write was all schmaltzy and best written as a script for a Hallmark movie (new career perhaps?), and I didn't want to diminish my true and deep gratitude for all of those things.  I'll save that kind of schmaltz for when I'm three sheets to the wind in a 'I love you man' kind of way when my sentiments will be taken seriously and accepted as truth.

New sign for my boots?

Anyway, today I am thankful for having more than one pair of shoes (there's a proverb in there somewhere if you look close enough) as the toddler monkey peed on my brown boots.  I'll admit the onus is on me for leaving them dangerously close to the toilet in the bathroom, especially when there's a  two year old running around my house naked and who has, at best, poor aim.  He emptied his little bladder all over my boots, and the bathroom floor, but was kind enough to be a little freaked out about missing the toilet completely and to run and get the bleach wipes.

So, in actuality I am grateful for two things today: owning more than one pair of shoes & a considerate, toilet minded toddler.

No dark sarcasm in the classroom...

Today, and most days actually, I am thankful for books!  These amazing creations allow us to exit our existence, get to know some new people/things, and live in an alternate reality if only for a little while.  Books are almost like  movies in this way, but with, you know, words.

For the past few months, I've been working with a group of 11th grade special education students.  Their teacher and I worked really hard to try to find books that would be at their reading levels and also hold their interest without insulting them.  It's not such an easy task.  But we hit gold with graphic novels.  Hello highly illustrated text to support struggling readers.  Today I was with this group of kids and they were vigorously discussing one of the books which was awesome sauce in and of itself, but then I realized they were trying to hurry through their discussion so they could get back to READING!!!  True Story!

Moving to the country, gonna eat a lot of cuties....

Today I find myself grateful for the Cutie.  No, not the high school hottie down the street who wears nothing but low-rise jeans, but the little, seedless, um, orange? tangerine? clementine? mandarin?  I don't know what the hell they actually are, but my howler monkeys are all up in that mesh bag they come in.

I bought a three pound bag, and already half are gone.  As are half the pack of baby wipes used to clean up sticky hands and faces when they finished.  Whatever, I passed them off as dessert and they literally ate them up.  HA!

Thank you brilliant, evil, Californian marketing geniuses.

Watersports at Chuck E. Cheese?

Today I am ever so grateful to Chuck E. Cheese's.  While it's hard to believe, I assure you, it's quite true.  I am thankful, because today Chuck E. gifted me the ultimate reason for never going back there again.

Let me give you a little backstory.  We haven't been to C.E.C. in about four or five years, as my oldest howler monkey got violently ill each and every time we went.  We didn't go that often, but this place runs high on the birthday wish list of small children.  Anyway, the last time we went my son actually had to be treated, intravenously, for excessive vomiting.  My husband and I were all too happy not to return to an experience that can best be likened to eating the brown acid.

Until today.  We went today because our daughter was invited to a birthday party for one of her new little kindergarten friends.  Siblings included.  We talked to our son who decided he'd take the risk and go.  After being there for about and hour and a half, just when my husband appeared to be weeping, and my eyes started twitching, our son and a friend got off the slide wearing frowny faces and wet clothes.  WET CLOTHES.  They had followed a little girl down the slide who had peed her pants during the entire ride down.   Unbeknownst to them, they (and their clothes) were the clean up crew for someone else's urine.  When you utter the sentence "so you're telling me that you're soaked in a stranger's urine" to your nine year old, it is the time to walk away.  Forever.

Thanks Chuck, you evil rat bastard.

I was looking into the mirror, to see a little bit clearer...

Ah, a little over a week has passed since Election Day, and boy have the pithy animal pictures, and bowel movement postings come back in full force on Facebook.  I, too, finished a cycle; a forty day cycle.  One that was fraught with tension, and worry over the election, but also one that was filled with positivity and productivity.  Just as the 40 days was wrapping up, I managed to de-clutter the kids' rooms (again, sigh) and rid my home of ill fitting clothing and little pieces of little toys - damn you to hell legos.  Things are remaining organized - sort of - and clean - sort of,  and that makes me happy.  The next month will find me having the kids organize unused toys into discard and donate piles to ready for the big show at the end of December.

Also, it is 38 days until Christmas, and even though we're halfway through the month of November, I'd additionally like to spend the next 40 (38) days being grateful each and every day.  I know I'm behind the Facebookers, but I'm always behind and I'll continue to pretend not to let this bother me.  Also, I think gratitude should last through the entire holiday season as this next month and a half is chock full of impatience, stress and selfishness.

Today I'd like to express my thanks to all the stupid people out there in the world, sharing the air with us.  These mouth breathers unwittingly make the world a better place, in so many ways: they make the rest of us look better, they will say things many of us were thinking of saying, but kept to ourselves in fear of sounding stupid, they bring up invigorating discussions around the survival of the species and Darwinism, and most importantly, they show the rest of us how not to behave.  I'd like to give a special shout out to those in our midst who showed extraordinary stupidity this week:

a. The gal I work with who overuses air quotes accompanied by a fake smile.

b. The folks who have decided that due to an undesirable outcome on the election, their states should secede from the union.

c. The people involved in the Petraeus scandal.

d. The PapaJohns pizza corporation

e. Mitt Romney when explaining why his campaign failed.

So a hearty THANK YOU for all the idiots of the world.  True story.

I just wanna bang on the drum all day...

Just the other day, I heard myself telling someone that I didn't think I would be any good at being a stay at home mom.  Because I really appreciate the time I have with my kids, and if I was home all day I wouldn't be able to appreciate all the precious moments; and by precious moments, I am referring to those little ceramic dolls with big eyes, not time spent with my children.  I'm too independent and need adult time and focused, mind expanding experiences all day (which of course begs the question: why did I stop smoking pot?).  Blah, blah, blech - I almost wanted to punch myself in the face for such a confident, sanctimonious answer.  After this brief encounter, I was struck by how I honestly didn't know if what I said was actually true, or something I had sold myself on over the past decade?

The truth of the matter probably lies somewhere in between.  Do I enjoy working? Mostly.  Do I miss my kids during a day? Mostly.  Am I glad to have somewhere productive to be all day?  Mostly.  There are no definitive answers for me, all answers are dependent on a given moment, and current circumstances/situations, and for me to pretend otherwise - conscious or not- is a bunch of malarkey.  I'm calling bullshit on myself.

What I can say with absolute certainty is that while I am at work, I feel badly for not being there for my kids- like this year when I missed Halloween celebrations at their school.  Although, I did get to go trick or treating with them and friends for many hours.  With absolute certainty, I also know that their are many times that I feel like a bad employee - like when I take a day off to stay home with a sick baby, or leave early because the kids have an early release day.   I suppose I'll continue to ride the fence of uncertainty; half bad employee + half bad mom = modern day woman?

PIN THIS...

Dear Pinterest,
In the seventh grade I had the unfortunate experience of learning that I could not sing.  It wasn't that I had great aspirations prior, but any dreams of singing outside of the shower died the moment that the sadist teacher in charge of chorus put my twelve year old, slow to physically develop, mullet-hair wearing self in the boys alto section. It was at this time that I realized that I had limitations.  I couldn't sing, I wasn't going to be a professional dancer, and I certainly wasn't going to be an artist.  The things I could not do could fill a book, and I have been just fine with the realization of my limitations for the past twenty odd years.

But then, you Pinterest, entered my life.  Approximately a year and a half ago.  And, I started having hope for things that I had previously laid to rest.  Like I could be a really good cook, a chef almost.  And, I could craft things out of left over kitchen tiles and dental floss.  And, my kids' rooms would look magazine picture worthy.  The opportunities for my hair and nails were endless and even though I don't hold a beauticians certification, I could pull these things off at my very own dining table.

For these aspirations, hopes and dreams, I say to you Pinterest: F.U.  I'll admit that I've made a few good cakes from recipes on your site and I made a really good chicken taco in the crock pot twice.  Beyond that though, Pinterest, I have been reminded almost weekly that I am an epic fucking failure.

Watermelon cake pops.  Sure I can do that I said.  Three dozen reddish turds on a stick later, I shoved them in the freezer and waited until everyone had a lot to drink before serving them.

Nor will I soon forget the facial mask made out of things in my pantry.  You know the one guaranteed to minimize my pores and smell citrusy?  Yeah that one, the one that made me look like a 3rd degree burn victim, and made me waste precious sea salt.

I could also bring up the beachy waves I tried to create with braids and a flat iron, but I don't have any Xanax left.

So to you, Pinterest, again I say FUCK YOU!  Before you came along, I knew what my limitations were, but you brought it up a notch.  You introduced me to things that I didn't even know I was bad at.   All I ask is that you leave me and my box made cakes, store bought cleaners, gifts, Vietnamese manicures and frizzy hair alone.  I'm better off not knowing what I don't know you vicious bitch.

Sincerely,
Kell

Reasons why I can't become President...

If you're anything like most people I know you've played the 'If I was king/queen for a day' game either with friends or in your own head.  We all have ideas about how we could do things better, yet not all of us have the nuts to throw our hat in the ring and take the leap that is running for public office.  In my case, my poor choices and/or shady dealings in the past have made me realize that a low profile is the best way to go.  Remarkably, there are many where their poor choices and shady business have been no hindrance at all - I say bully for them!  Because I will never run for public office and have someone take a peek into my shenanigans, I will offer a preview into the reasons why I could never be President.

1. When I was in college, I liked to pretend I was Jewish so I could get off for all the non publicized Jewish holidays - you know the ones besides Yom Kippur & Rosh Hashanah? No? Me neither, but my last name was ambiguous enough for professors never to question my absence on Judaic holy days.

2. I have a lot of friends who have talked about starting to knit, sew, make jewelry, or some other crafty, productive use of time while in college.  During those conversations, I was like 'um, that's when I started making bongs out of toilet paper rolls.'

3. I have gone to too many outdoor, weekend long music festivals and couldn't begin to determine what pictures of me might be floating around in the world.

4. I don't have the patience to sustain a conversation that doesn't include some kind of curse word.  I could picture myself on the trail calling people douchebags and assclowns as a way of restraining myself.  Also, I know curse words in more than one language and use them - frequently.  Pinche pendejos.

5. I have been known to solve my problems physically.

6.  I call vicodin 'Vitamin V'

7. My decision making process involves talking everything out exhaustively & takes too many feelings into account.

8. I drove across the country.  In a bikini.  Classy.

9. I have a real affinity for a dive bar and karaoke.

I have frequented bar pictured above

10. I'm no good at lying on a grand scale.

Six degrees of separation?

My mom often warned me, as a child, that who I chose to acquaint myself with would reflect on the way others perceived me.  With that in mind I'd like to remind you tonight, on the eve of Election Day, who some of the folks are that have been vocal about their support of our presidential candidate Mittens:

It must be exhausting having a pipeline to God's intentions.

This just in: latest Hurricane Sandy victim: Trump's bang piece

Oh, I would do anything for Mitt....

Cat Scratch Fever Anyone?  Anyone?

Eddie Muenstering his way into the hearts of the female G.O.P.

With friends like these - who needs enemies?

I urge you, dear reader, to VOTE tomorrow!

Let the sun shine...

As this week of horrific devastation closes, I want to offer solace and words of comfort to all those groping for the light - literally and figuratively - as they assess the damage and move on to a new normal in New York and New Jersey.  It's been a long, hard one (that's what she said) and it remains unknown when the load will lighten a little bit.  Because words escape me, and I always turn to humor when anxious and heartbroken, I offer the following solely for the purpose of making laughter ring (it's all I have sometimes, the laughter):