Would you see right through me...

Probably people who aren't me realized that in order to obtain employment anymore, you must first complete a psychometric personality quiz.  I didn't know this was a trend until last spring when I was furiously searching for a new job, and found myself attempting to psych out the questions.  I was all "hmmm, well today, in a desperate search for employment, I see myself as someone who is sweaty and likely to swing a bat at someone's cranium, but that's not everyday, so do I strongly agree or answer not applicable?  Or, "woah, I don't know if I'm someone who is skittish and wild-eyed as I am currently out of Xanex, I'll go with strongly sometimes agree.

The quizzes I took had a sadistic clever combination of both spectrum questions (agree/disagree) and constructed responses.  My favorite all time questions were "What enthuses you?" and "What excites you?"  Please limit responses to 250 characters.  What the fuck?  I could spend a month and every word in the dictionary explaining the things that enthuse or excite me.  And, my answers probably wouldn't help me obtain anything but a seventy-two hour hold.  A friend of mine recently had to take one of these when a new supervisor joined her department and hers were all open-ended, which made for a really fun afternoon for the two of us, and reminded me of a quiz I was given by a group of gals that I used to work with some years ago.  I thought the quiz was a joke, and my answers included that I was looking for an effective hair removal system since my sex change operation and that it was the shape, not the taste, of mushrooms that made them delicious to me.  Invitations to after work get togethers at the Cheesecake Factory promptly ceased.

So today, I've come up with questions that might be found on a psychometric quiz of my making.  I'm not certain my questions would get anyone a job, or really rate anything, but it sure would be fun for me to see people's answers.

1. What color is my aura?
2. If you believe in telekinesis, can you raise my hand?
3. Would you rather something kill you or make you stronger?
4. What comes to mind when you hear the word probe?
5. Can scissors beat paper?
6. What is your porn name?
7. Pork?  Is it just the other white meat, or is beef what's for dinner?  Please provide concrete details and appropriate commentary to support your argument.
8. Explain your stance on bacon in approximately 1,000 words.
9. If you are a gluten free vegan, who runs marathons, can you keep it to yourself for more than 10 minutes?
10. List as many palindromes as you can in one minute.  Example: taco cat; GO
11. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, what are the top three things you will carry on your person?
12. Elvis or Beatles? Why?

She blinded me with science...

Yesterday and today this item popped up in my newsfeed -  "California porn actress turned teacher loses appeal".  What initially piqued my interest was the phrase 'loses appeal'.  I wondered the following: did she lose appeal as a teacher or as a porn star, is she teaching porn, is she getting implants, is she opposed to following newly instated Californian law about wearing condoms while practicing pornography?  After having read the article, I was saddened to learn that it was about her losing a court appeal which left me contemplating her boobs and her safe (or not) sex practices.  What, oh you need a minute? Go ahead, I'll let you fantasize a moment about one woman spending serious think time about another woman's breasteses.

So, the teacher was a porn star.  WOW, last year I considered a career as an exotic dancer during my job search; I soon realized that would require me to be both awake and naked.  According to the article, the teacher was a porn actress prior to becoming a middle school teacher.  Students found her movies available on the inter webs and now she is considered unfit for teaching.

This made me feel sad because I thought people were supposed to be allowed to start over, you know get a second chance?  It also made me feel sad because, COME ON PEOPLE! A PORN STAR WHO KNOWS SCIENCE?!?!  A fucking scientist?!?!  (see how I did that?).  I can't believe she lost her job over this - I could see maybe not keeping her in middle school anymore, because those kids are just a bunch of hormone driven douches anyway.  But since we all know she's flexible, how about a job in an elementary school where kids don't know what porn is (yet) and use the internet to find pictures of SpongeBob?  Or perhaps she could be an exhibit in a MUSEUM FOR PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN SPECIES???  Think outside the box people (see, I did it again).

Nothing Changes on New Year's Day...

So today was my first day back at work after a two week hiatus.  Due to it being Sunday night and small howler monkeys climbing into my bed, my sleep was less than restful.  Thankfully, I had a completely restorative and contemplative break to look back upon and put me in a good state of mind as I left the house before daybreak - that's bullshit because I hate leaving the house before daybreak regardless of good state of mind.  That aside, my break was amazeballs because I spent it hanging with the howler monkeys and catching up on very informative and groundbreaking television.

The shows I watched nonstop, until my eyes were dried up raisins in my face, were: Walking Dead, Breaking Bad and Weeds.  Due to my commitment to these shows, I am now prepared for whatever life may throw my way in the coming year.  These shows also helped me to realize my potential and make some solid new year's resolutions.  If you would...

1. Get a machete - the reasons for this are twofold.  A. Zombie's come a creeping if they hear the poppoppop of a gunshot, however, machetes are all quiet like and badass.  B. If Zombie's are not imminent, I will have a threatening weapon available to frighten those who would come between me and my diet coke in a drive through line.  Nothing says back the fuck up like a machete.

2. Kill Dora the Explorer with my new machete.  I'm cool with her sidekick Boots, but that bitch has got to go, quickly and quietly.  I don't need any bulbous headed, unsupervised Latinas yelling at me in two languages - I get that shit at work.  Oh, and the questions - that bitch is relentless.

3. Get an RV.  RVs have always been a kind of wish list item for me, who doesn't want a gas guzzling house on wheels to tool around the country in?  But now?  Oh em gee - I never realized the necessity for having one!  Not only could I could live in it, like full time when my house is overrun by zombies but I could also make illegal drugs in it or use it as a front for dead body storage. Plus, I could take a nap in it.

4. Find supplemental income.  This may or may not involve the distribution of recreational substances that are now legal in Colorado.  I may just name my RV The Roach Coach - think about it.

5. Get a badass soundtrack for my adventures.  No good machete wielding, zombie killing, pot selling adventure is without good music.

(BTwubs - still working on what the next 40 days have in store for me for reals - you know, in case the above plans don't work out)