Rolling around in my brain lately have been thoughts of turning forty and growing into one of those old people who are charmingly cantankerous and hilarious in that they don't give a fuck. I want to be one of those people. But now. Like right now. Carpe fucking Diem. Why wait another forty years to be my best self? My truest self; the one who makes decisions based on what I want, in a moment, and says what I think at all times. While all this thinking has been going on, I've been spending a lot of time with a three year old. And based on casual observations, I've come to the conclusion that three year olds give less of a fuck than any other group of mammals on the planet. Nay, in the universe. That's right, I said universe. (I'm bold, whatevs) It's as if they have, as a group, come up with a motto: 'Stay calm and don't give a fuck' but haven't quite come up with the articulation skills to communicate it just yet. Once I noticed how little three year olds depend on social mores and the opinions of others to make their moment to moment decisions, I studied more closely the behaviors that embodied this enviable spirit.
Following are some of the things I've learned; I'm certain if I follow these unwritten edicts, I will be one step closer to my goal of not giving one fuck:
1. Be transparent: By transparent, I mean nude. If you are three, you don't wait until it turns dark and you've eaten dinner to take off your bra or dress socks. You strip completely when you walk in the door and throw on your snow boots for good measure. Once you are comfortably relaxed and nude, stand by the front door for chunks of time throughout the day making the mailman and passing neighbors feel flinchy.
2. Don't negotiate: There is no compromise in the life of this group of humans. There is 'what I want, now' and well honed manipulation skills to get it. These include but are not limited to: thrashing around on flooring bound to concuss, screaming, using the cutest voice in the history of ever, and giving random hugs and Eskimo kisses to disarm those who stand in your way.
3. Buck the trends and set your own style: Wearing spider-man snow boots in 95 degree weather? Why not? A knitted baptismal shawl combined with a bathing suit and shin guards? Yes and yesser. Plaid and stripes topped off with chevron. Sure! Throw that shit together - sit with it awhile, see how you feel. When you don't give a fuck, anything goes.
4. Be brutally honest: Nothing is sacred or secret. Everything is out there for everyone to know. Your brother got a baseball mitt for his birthday that your mom is hiding in the garage - bring it up on the way to school. Just pooped - describe it as t-Rex sized at the dinner table. Your grandmother is wearing an unflattering shirt -tell her she's fat. Don't like your friends mom- cry when you see her at the park. Use the phrases: 'I don't like that', 'You're not a friend', and 'Yucky' often.
5. Let your multiple personalities fly free: Hugs abound and so do declarations of love and hate. Nothing sweeter than a three year old snuggle and kiss session. Nothing more vicious than a three years old hatred. Speak in rhymes only. Use a Darth Vader voice and refuse to cut your nails because you are Wolverine. Love macaroni today, act like it's poison tomorrow. You can be anyone at anytime without warning or fore-notice to those in your sphere.
6. Go big or go home: Everything you engage in should be balls out. Learning gymnastics, belly flop on the mats. Gonna swim, throw yourself in the deep end. Gonna draw, do it on paper, walls and floors. Learning music, play the kazoo for six hours straight. No fence sitting or trepidation allowed.
7. Get comfortable with your body: Got yourself some balls? Fondle them. Saw someone getting out of the shower? Talk about their nipples while pulling on your own. At the library. Rub your Buddha belly all the live long day, easily accomplished as you are rarely clothed.
9. Emote often: Laugh manically. Ugly cry. All within a five minute span. Sing made up songs about your dog's anus. Growl. Cleanse thy soul.
10. Be spontaneous: People expecting a list of ten things? Give em nine because you just learned how not to give a fuck.
