So I've been seeing these
'20 things to tell your son" and
"5 trillion conversations to have with your daughter" things on the interwebs and mostly they're real straight forward advice for kids of either gender that tackle how kids should act and how to treat others. I haven't seen the
"15 things your transgender child should know" article yet, but I sure do hope it's on it's way. I applaud these parent-writers who want their kids to know some stuff, because
wow, how very pragmatic and all plan ahead-y are they? Also? I'd like to thank those folks for doing part of my job for me; someday in the future I can copy and paste that shit into a word document and print it out on meanigful looking scrapbook paper and my children will be none the wiser. I'll come off wise and all knowing, which, honestly, is as it should be.
The other day was my daughter's 6th birthday and I spent some time thinking about the kind of advice I could offer her, things that maybe weren't covered in the articles I mentioned above. Below you'll find that I've made a serious crack at some sage advice that I think will serve her well as she battles her way through the world.
1. There are good butt days and bad butt days. Plan accordingly. This means having at least two pair of jeans...one for good days, and one for bad days. If no jeans fulfill your bad butt day needs, then you should have some yoga or sweat pants to tool around in.
2. Speaking of jeans, the ultra low rise kind can cause a phenomenon called muffin top, unless you are a size zero. If you are not a size zero, do not get this type of jeans as they will make you look trashy. If you are a size zero, please eat a fucking sandwich post haste.
3. Once you start dyeing your hair, you can't really go back to your original color. Sure you could get close,
perhaps, but more likely your original color will allude you forevermore and there will come a day where you will feel nostalgic for that hair color you had as a wee lass, the color that came with the natural built in highlights.
4. Find a friend that has not only similar taste to yours, but make sure she wears the same approximate size. This will allow you trade clothes and veritably double your wardrobe if you play your cards right. If all of your friends are either much thinner or heavier than you - find new friends.
5. Do not buy the following items used, regardless of how
gently used they claim to be: mattresses, underwear, socks, hairpieces.
6. When you are wearing a bathing suit as underwear, it is time to do your laundry.
7. If you can see your facial hair, so can everyone else. Wax, tweeze, whatever. Just take care of that shit.
8. Shaving your legs is a time-suck and completely unnecessary in the winter.
9. Because you are not part of a tribe, are not Asian and presumably will not become a tramp, steer clear of Chinese character, tribal and lower back tattoos.
10. Naming your daughter any of the following will limit her career choices: Barbi, Misty, Candy.
11. Pink mascara looks good on no one.
12. If you are lighting anything off of a stove top, beware of your bangs and eyebrows.
13. Your loudness late at night, when attempting to sneak back into the house, will increase proportionally to your level of intoxication.
14. Your brothers will crack under pressure from your mother. Be careful what you tell them.
15. Being the first to laugh at yourself shows courage; laughing at others is just a plain old good time.
