Open House - There will be no snacks

It's been about eleventy hundred years (or maybe four months) since I last wrote.  I can't begin to know what I've been up to -mostly twerking,  pricing mannequin parts, and trying really hard not to suck any dicks on the way to the parking lot.  Most recently, starting up another school year - my sixteenth as a teacher, and my fifth as a parent of school aged children.

This week wraps up the 257 thousandth back to school night I've attended in my lifetime.  First as a student, then as an educator and now as a parent.  I can't help but notice the rhythm and rhyme has changed very little since I was a kid.  Introductions, expectations, face-numbing smiles and lots of flop sweat.  Inevitably, it will be the hottest day of the year and everyone will be forced to co-mingle in cramped, damp spaces shvitzing like wildebeests. This year I couldn't help but think about what might happen if teachers just shot straight with the group of parents crowded into their rooms and didn't stick to the administration recommended spiel.  Below are some thoughts I've kept to myself while welcoming parents at back to school night.  

1. I find your lack of teeth distracting.

2. I will spend a cringe-worthy amount of time thinking about your child, his/her needs, and how to address them.  I will also spend a flinchy amount of time giving consideration to filing their masterpieces into a round bin also known as the garbage.

3. I will be the adult your child will spend most of his/her waking time with - sadly sometimes much more time than you.  Be nice.

4. My feet hurt and I haven't eaten dinner so please don't ask me specific information about your child in a large group setting, taking up large chunks of everybody's time.  We can set up a time to talk later about you and your child.

5. Sometimes your kid is an asshole.  Now I see where they get it from.

6. Even if your kid is an asshole, I will do my level best by them each day they are in my care.  True story.

7. I will be your child's fiercest advocate in making sure they are getting what they need.  BE NICE.

8. I will do my best to press my mental reset button each and every day, giving everyone a fresh start.  But also I'm human, and sometimes I just can't.

9. I am not the only one responsible for your child's education and welfare.  YOU ARE TOO.

10. I will try really hard to balance communication with you - the good, the bad, the banal.  Please try to do the same.

11. Sometimes kids lie when they want to get out of something/everything (what a unique trait!).  Consider that I maybe had positive intentions when doling out work/assignments/punishments before going ape-shit on me.

12. I can tell when your child hasn't taken their meds.

13. I hate homework too.

14. I get why you might be less than pleased to be here on a summer night after working all day.  Truly, I do.  But, if you don't show, I will judge you for it.

15. Children learn by example - get here on time and put your fucking phone away.

16. I am about to know more about you than you would be comfortable with thanks to kids' tendency to over share.  BE FUCKING NICE.