Greatest American Hero...(day 38)

While you may find it hard to believe, I recently discovered that I'm a superhero.  This realization came quietly and didn't have all the fanfare of say Superman's or Spiderman's discoveries of their respective abilities.  I was just going about my daily grind, minding my own business when I realized that I have some powers that maybe not everyone else has.  I haven't talked about it much, but I'm ready to go public now. I don't want to brag, I just want to reach out and implore the rest of you to embrace your own special powers and consider that you too might just be a superzero superhero like me.

My abilities include but are not limited to the following, as my discoveries have only just begun:

I can burn through nearly an entire paycheck in one single day, faster than you can say bounced check.
I can convince small children that soy nuggets are actually chicken nuggets.
I can fit two loads of laundry into one wash cycle and make my washing machine do a funny dance around the room.
I can use artful layering of clothing to appear taller/slimmer than I actually am.
I can move whole pieces of furniture across a room to disguise another nail polish stain on the carpet.
I can become invisible to my children.
I can withstand countless hours of preschool programming with minimal eye twitch.
I can make time virtually stop when I'm on an errand by myself.
I can catch a toddler.
I can ride a bike with no handlebars.

Flyday stats:
Food: Iced coffee, bagel with cream cheese, 1/2 of disgusting garden burger from Burger King (I don't know why I thought this was a good idea), one fruit snack wrestled away from my lovely toddler, a few Applejacks force fed to me by same toddler
Movement: Scrubbing of floors on hands and knees, washing of upstairs of house, folding of clothes, chasing around toddler in yard, perusing Target for sundries with inordinate amount of time spent in facial lotion aisle

All the small things...(day 37)

It may or may not be apparent to you my darling readers, but food is not a high priority to me.  The only time this hasn't been true is the three times I was pregnant.  During those 27 months, I was all about food and really nothing else.

 

Controlling things, however, is a priority to me; ergo the 21 day challenge and meat free existence of the last month or so.  That being said, I had an enlightening conversation with my husband today over lunch.  As I heated up our zucchini souffles in the microwave, we talked about food being thought of as just fuel instead of a source of recreation.  He kindly pointed out that what I considered to be a meal, might better be categorized as a snack.

My souffle was done first and it smelled really, really good.  I should note that my husband has not subjected himself to any type of food abstinence, but he is a good sport and will give my vegetarian offerings a good ole college try.  Anyway, I got to eating the cylindrical excuse for food sitting in front of me, and let me just say it was surprising at the very least.  And by surprising, I mean utterly inedible.  It was crispy on the outside and like warm molten, corn flavored lava mush on the inside.  You ever have a souffle?  No?  Me neither, so I can't rightly say what possessed me to purchase these to begin with.  You ever eat bread pudding?  Yeah, you know with the cinnamon and sugar and raisins and sometimes peaches?  Yeah, me too.  It was kind of like that but without the cinnamon, sugar, raisins or any good taste. But you know, exactly like that.  It was filthy and no amount of salt, or hot sauce could make it right.  I gave eating this abomination a valiant try, my husband?  Not so much.  We then each had two bites of hummus and I told him there was some cheese in the fridge.  He claimed a bag of cheese does not a meal make and if I was thinking of food as fuel, I was just about to run out of gas.  Then he left me to my veggie pudding and no doubt dreamed of the woman he could have married.  You know, the one who at the very least provided some cold cuts for lunch.

Thursday stats:
Food: Apple, veggie straws, few courageous bites of veggie souffle, hummus, pizza, salad
Movement:  Swimming with the lovlies, chasing toddler around friends house, laundering

Frogs, and snails, and puppy dog tails...(day 36)

10 reasons I need my toddler to go to bed before the sun sets:

1. He wakes up at walk of shame time the break of dawn ~ I know what you're thinking, well just put him to bed a little later and he'll sleep a little later ~ tried that, but thanks Captain Obvious.
2. He's aerobic ~ There's NEVER ever any sitting still, rather there is running, climbing, scaling, running, jumping, bouncing, running all interspersed with maniacal laughter
3. He won't watch man-made babysitter T.V. ever ~ Unless it's Elmo (and even then for only 10 minutes) and one sleep deprived person can only handle so much Elmo ~ aka Melmo
4. He's discovered the power of the word NO ~ used to be he would just shake his head politely when he didn't want something, now he shouts NOOOOOOOOO
5. He is often tie-dyed ~ he has found and hidden all the permanent markers in the house.  He only takes them out whenever someone isn't looking, or is in the bathroom and then colors his body from head to toe. He then runs and hides them again
6. He's a little O.C.D. ~ he likes things to be in their place, mostly small things like keys, cell phones, credit cards, etc.  He is the only one who knows what their places are.
7. He says "Shut-up Woo Woo" everytime a dog barks ~ nearly ALL of our neighbors have dogs.
8., 9., & 10. He did all of the following today:

Hump Day Stats:
Food: Why is it that asking for non-fat milk in your coffee drink doesn't automatically keep whipped cream from getting added?  Friggin' McCafe idiots. Anyway: iced-latte, diet coke, veggie straws, apple, baked potato, asparagus, piece of cheese, 4 m&ms
Movement: Chasing toddler around park, taking out fuckton  a lot of trash, cleaning litter box

I don't know nothing bout birthin' no babies...(days 34 & 35)

I began my formal education at the age of four and did not stop until I was thirty two.  Granted there was some time in between class sessions and what not, but basically I went to school for twenty eight years.  I have two bachelor degrees and a master's degree.  That's a whole lotta schooling, and yet I am reduced to idiocy on a daily basis due to the questions my children hurl at me from the time I wake up until the time I lay my large head and severely diminished ego down in my bed. Just like Prissy's character in Gone With The Wind, I must break down and confess continously throughout a day how very little I know. Unlike Prissy, birthin' babies is the least of the things I know so very little about.

"I don't know anything about eating fish eggs."  This was the recent answer to a question that came out of left field from my oldest lovely.  When he was smaller, I used to try and answer the f**kton of all the questions he could think up in his brilliant little mind.  I thought I was fostering a love of knowledge and broadening his horizons.  In actuality, I was encouraging him to keep the questions coming eventually wearing me down with the endless haranguing.  By the time he was five, I had to admit there was some shit I just didn't know.  I thought this would slow him down a bit, but it didn't.  Instead it has led his sister to also believe that I am somehow a source of useless information.  At this point I realize that I am overly educated walking buffoon and I have begun to believe he just asks me stuff to make sure that he's smarter than me.

Spring Break Stats:
Food: Greek pasta salad, hummus, cheese, crackers, dates, strawberries, olives, eggs, toast, granola bar, garden burger, cucumbers, dried pineapple
Movement: Unmaking and remaking all the beds, laundering, scrubbing bathroom walls, cleaning girl lovelies room (3 hour ordeal), chasing toddler around yard, walking to and from tae kwan do school

I'm in charge, of my days, of my nights...(day 33)

I

I love when I have a realization that works in my favor.  Today was a fabulous Sunday, one in which the entire family packed up our circus and hopped into the clown car for a day at the park.  Once there we met some dear friends and had ourselves a day of not so much sun but lots of fun. It was a potluck picnic and one of my lovely friends brought something that I will forevermore call strawberry delights.  I don't know what they are really called, and I don't really care.  They include sugar cookies, strawberries, cream cheese and LOTS of sugar.  I was hesitant to eat one, because for reasons I cannot quite explain, I've mostly stayed on my 21 day challenge, which was actually over two and a half weeks ago.  I think the main reason I've continued with the challenge is because I like having control over something in my current world.  Anyway, I realized that there was no one other than myself keeping me from having strawberry delights ~ that's right, I'm in charge of this challenge and the length, and the breaks and all that jazz.  It's my own self-imposed restriction, that remarkably I can lift and reapply willy-nilly.  So that's what I'm gonna do ~ go with the flow.  

Sundae stats:

Food: Greek pasta salad, hummus, veggies, fruit, salsa and blue corn tortilla chips, naan, chickpeas, strawberry delights up the wazoo

Movement: Laundering, running around park having a lovely time with all my lovelies

Whatchu talking about Willis?... (day 32)

I often find myself bewildered by the things that come out of my mouth when talking to my children.  Many times I speak sentences that don't even make sense.  Today, I am sorry to say that I paid special  attention to the things that my children were saying when playing with one another.  Below is a small sampling of their bon mots, and it is no wonder that I babble incoherently.

My life is like a fart.

If I wore marshmallows on my feet, no one would ever hear me coming.

Does he know that's the poop yard?

My life is like a butt

If you didn't decide to wash your hair with sand, you wouldn't need a bath

If you eat soap, you would be hiccing up and cough a bubble

I got grass stains on my knees

I seen this one before, it's when I started smacking my butt for like a hour

Why do we have to brush our hair?  It's nighttime & no one is coming in here inspecting us, right?

He kissed a rattlesnake, that's disgusting.

That's your thumb toe.

Shut up woo-woo.

Faturday stats:
Food: 1/2 bean and cheese burrito, one slice of cold pizza, hummus, goat cheese, naan, blackberries, dried pineapple, two glasses of pinot noir
Movement: What seemed like endless hunting of dog poop in backyard, sweeping back patio, emergency trip to Old Navy to replace lost sunglasses, meandering around supermarket

Dry as a friggin' bone ~ wait, who's bone...(day 31)

 In order to celebrate not only the arrival of the long-awaited weekend, but the beginning of my spring break, I will be partaking in some tomfoolery and shenanigans with some good friends of mine this evening.  It is due to this merrymaking adventure that my blog arrives early Friday afternoon instead of after I've already fallen asleep in the blue chair in my robe.

So, it's DRY ~ as in I live in a semi-arid climate and it hasn't rained/snowed in a while dry (get your filthy mind out of the gutter).  I wanted to share with you a small collection of things that are potentially drier than the inside of my nasal passages and Justin's Bieber's vajayjay.

Advice: Lotion & White Socks Before Bedtime

Dry Socket: While not actually dry, it involves gross picture of inside of your mouth

No drinks up in there

Wildfires

Dirt sans Water

I have to assume that not only is hell hot, but it's a dry heat

Santorum's Right Hand as evidenced in the following article

http://www.freewoodpost.com/2012/03/19/ive-learned-from-my-past-addiction-to-porn-admits-santorum/

Keep it wet people, keep it wet.

Fryday Stats:
Food: LARGE iced-coffee, LARGE iced-tea,  nachos ~ all kinds of filthiness here, tortilla chips and fake cheese, clear liquids with floating limes
Movement: Mad testing of absentee children, strolling around in sunshine, walking around with toddler, absentmindedly trolling the interwebs